sparrow's house

prepping to pioneer

2012-02-03T07:26:00.000-08:00

I am sort of pioneering a full- flex-time working arrangement in my department at work. So far, so good. We're really putting things to the test over the next few months because of some major deadlines, but I have a great working relationship with both my bosses and my staff that work under me, and everyone seems to be on board. I'm giving a little extra when I can, they are expecting a little less when they can, and for now I'd say we're meeting pretty nicely in the middle.

I didn't step into it overnight though. I'm actually meeting soon with a potential recruit that is interested in a schedule similar to mine. I also have a relatively new staff who has expressed a lot of interest in someday having a similar schedule, and openly talks about how great my schedule looks. Particularly with this newer staff, who is not working nearly as hard as I did when I was at her level, I've found myself reflecting on what it took to get here.

I learned in my early 20s that I had a problem: I never took anyone's advice and always learned things the hard way. I still prefer experience over guidance, but I also realized around the time I entered the workforce that a little bit of guidance from someone whose life you actually want to emulate (that's key) can go a long way. In addition to the luck of graduating during a better economy, I followed three main pieces of advice that did wonders for my career and put me in a position to demand whatever I wanted (within reason) for my working mom flex schedule. At the time I didn't necessarily see the wisdom in these three pieces of advice, but after 6 years of following them almost to a T, I would give the same advice to anyone else early in their career who wants to take it somewhere bigger and better, fast:

1. Work smarter than your peers (99% of the time this means working longer).

The book the Outliers got something right about experience = expertise. I crammed 10 years of work experience into 6 years by regularly putting in 60, 70 and 80 hour weeks. In the first 2 years of my career, I would say close to half of my work weeks were 70-80 hours. It was painful but it paid off.

2. Be present so you get picked up for "learning experiences" (i.e. after-hour projects).
If one of your bosses needs help at 6 or 7 pm, the person still in the office gets the project. That means if you want to be the one getting the extra projects, a lot of times you just have to be around. Leaving at 5 every day on the dot does not facilitate this.

3. Don't get burned out.
I work in an industry with a lot of expectations, demands and competition. #1 and #2 above are only possible if you aren't burnt out. That means do as much as you can most of the time, but when you need a break, take it.

All three pieces of advice are best played out at a company that matches your values, where you like the people you work with, and that recognizes superior work through praise and money.

That's what I would tell new staff, especially new staff that are women and want to be a working mom someday with a flex schedule.

Oh, and don't forget to thank the women who are in leadership positions and are 20 or 30 years older than us. The pioneering they did was A LOT harder than the pioneering my generation is doing and they deserve some recognition.

gems

2012-02-01T20:55:00.000-08:00

I have been finding all sorts of spiritual gems in the blogosphere lately.

This is today's favorite: They Were Right (And Wrong) About the Slippery Slope

I can say with certainity that 10 years ago, there was not nearly enough easy access to incredible stories of faith and doubt as there are today. I wish I could be 18 now instead of 29, when this community that I so needed then, exists now. But, I guess I am glad to be devouring such touching writing at 29, rather than 60. It's all relative.

my love affair

2012-01-29T21:02:00.000-08:00

I have a love affair with reading blogs. I go through phases on what I read every day, going back and forth between a few favorites, but right now I am in love with Emerging Mummy. So much of my day is spent making bottles, changing diapers, drinking enough coffee to rev my energy level high enough to match two 9-month-olds after putting in a full day at work, buying groceries, making more bottles....it's easy to get lost in all the chores. Sarah's poetic writing about her day-to-day life as a mom reminds me to feel the magic of watching your own DNA growing up in front of your very eyes. Reading her depictions of day-to-day mothering is the perfect end to almost every day.

blessed

2012-01-13T19:22:00.000-08:00

We have invited a kind young woman from Germany to join us in this strange place. The land of wealthy white people, comfortable in our homes with granite countertops, wearing $90 jeans, consuming, consuming, consuming, residing in the shadow of Saddleback Church, practicing a well-known (even if not often named) phenomenon known as the Prosperity Gospel. She asks us why are houses are so big, why the people in our neighborhood don't stop and talk to one another, and why we eat dessert so often. We try to explain to her that we are busy Puritans at heart, trying to win God's love, and that we have so many big things because Jesus loves us. This we know. A little cynical, perhaps, but what we have really tried to explain is this concept of American Consumerism and how it is related to being Blessed.

And so I have been thinking about all the stuff we have. And everything we buy and then throw it away. But it's ok because we sing praise music on Sunday mornings and raise our hands to glorify God. And I say "we" quite genuinely, because we (me) get caught up in it too.

So this young woman that lives with us comes from a family that does not have a lot of material things. But her relationship with her family is amazing. Her mom, her grandpa, her cousins, her brother and her sister. She talks to them every day. Who has time for that? She does.

And I have been thinking about the prosperity gospel and me. And this is what I have come up with.

Blessed

They tell us we are blessed;
Because our baby is whole.
(Except for the thick red scar,
covering half her back.)

There are parents in the waiting room -
Their baby's legs are still.
And I heard
Blessed are the meek.

They tell us we are blessed;
Because the economy is down,
But we both still have jobs
And a roof over our head.

The parents of triplets in the NICU -
3 kids already at home,
Which is a small 2-bedroom apartment.
Blessed are the eyes which see the things that you see.

They tell us we are blessed,
Because our neighborhood is clean and safe.
And we leave canned goods
For the boy scouts to pick up at the door.

Diego is 13 from Paraguay
He walks 6 miles on a dirt road to school
And mailed blessings to my babies.
Blessed are the pure in heart.

They tell us we are blessed,
Because our daughter will walk
After $300,000 of surgeries and specialists.
We cry tears of overwhelming relief.

Parents across the globe
Who are not the richest of the rich
Give birth with no specialists and no equipment.
Blessed are they that mourn.

They tell us we are blessed,
Because we have,
Because we buy,
Because we present a perfected image.

But I heard
Blessed are they which do hunger
Blessed are the peacemakers
Blessed because we have love.

death

2012-01-11T20:02:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago my cousin, who is one year younger than me, passed away. Her funeral was out of town and so we couldn't go. Tonight, I looked at pictures from her funeral. I have been to 7 funerals in my life. 2 were for elderly relatives who had lived full lives. 5 have been for young people's whose lives feel stolen.

I really dislike funerals. In fact, as bad as this may seem, I am glad to have been too far away to be expected to attend my cousin's funeral. I lost it as I looked through the pictures - seeing her siblings and parents and grandparents surrounding her casket is more than I could bear through photos, and being there in person would have been even more difficult.

This is the first death of someone I know since I have had my own children. Death feels so much harsher and incomprehensible as a parent than it did before I was a parent. How can I help but think, in the back of my mind, what if that was my child?

It's horrible. It doesn't matter if you believe in an afterlife or not. No matter what your faith or belief, there is nothing anyone can say about death that can make you feel better. It just has to hurt, no matter what. If it didn't, we wouldn't be human. This is why I have such a hard time with funerals, especially when the person was young. Nothing - no God, no afterlife, no heartfelt words of comfort, no flowers, no celebration of good memories - can erase the pain those left behind feel with death. I understand the importance of support from family and friends, but it is still a hard experience to attend a funeral. I think the only hope for easing the pain is passing time, and even then I don't think it ever goes away.

This is how I feel having never lost my child to death. I cannot imagine how it truly feels to bury your child. I told my aunt that I pray she can find some moments of peace during this difficult time, and as the words came out of my mouth they sounded cliche. But I really meant it.

friends with benefits

2012-01-08T20:37:00.000-08:00

I just got talked into spending 2 hours of my very precious weekend time watching one of the lamest movies I've ever seen. It did have one redeeming line - from the GQ gay sports editor -

If you want to lose weight, stop eating so fatty.
If you want to get rich, work your ass off.
And if you want to be happy, find that one person and hold on to them forever.

:-)

marriage

2012-01-06T07:49:00.000-08:00

I love this post: In Which Love Looks Like Real Marriage

In a culture that seems obsessed with who is in charge, who has the ultimate power in conflict, and who has the authority to answer difficult questions, it is refreshing to have exposure to couples who, at least at the individual family unit level, are practicing egalitarianism. Sure, it is important to have leadership. Sure, it is important to seek answers from people who have wisdom in one area or another. But it's nice to see a situation beautifully portrayed in such a poetic and romantic way, that leaves room for sharing leadership back and forth, and recognizing that different parties might bring different areas of wisdom to the whole.

Too bad the entire post wouldn't fit on a Valentine's Day Hallmark card.

compassion

2012-01-02T07:08:00.001-08:00

I realized last week that one of the medical-related issues that was really stressing me out was we had an appointment for our final post-op check-up with our daughter's surgeon. Up to this point it's been assumed that after this final appointment, we'd get set up with a pediatric urologist and regular visits the spina bifida clinic, where she would be monitored for any neurological damage or re-tethering. The unknown of that and my wish to avoid it all was hard for me to process, especially when we were supposed to be relaxing for the holidays.

After the appointment, as I was walking out with a dozen emotions (because it turns out, at least in 2012, we don't have to start any of that), I saw a couple walking in with a baby that wasn't much bigger than our daughter was at birth. 5 pounds probably. She was teensy tiny. I couldn't read the couple's faces - nothing showed through. But you don't take a 5 pound baby to a pediatric neurologist for a cold, so something must have been seriously wrong.

I felt so much compassion toward them. How do you describe compassion? My heart felt warm? I wanted to pour them both a hot cup of something comforting and give the mom a big hug and hold their precious little girl...I wanted to love them in their time of need. Even though I don't know exactly what their need was. But I remember what it felt like, taking our week-old baby out of the home where we wanted to keep her safe and warm and cozy, and taking her to a huge, overwhelming medical center with lots of buildings, doctors, unknowns, sickness, death....carrying her in my arms because I didn't really want to walk her into that place in a car-seat carrier. Looking at other parents and wondering what was wrong with their baby, knowing some of them had been through long, straining journeys that still had unknown endings.

So this is why we suffer, I think. To develop compassion. A few years back I started listening to some podcasts by Ticht Nhat Hahn, a Vietnamese Buhddist whose message is calming to me. I don't have any direct quotes, but his teachings on experiences like suffering, anger and fear are that in order to resolve them, we have to just be calm and allow ourselves to fully experience them. This is what I wanted to do with that couple I saw, I wanted to sit with them and feel our suffering and our anger and our fear together. Not to say "it will be ok," or "let's bless her so she's fine," or "I just know it will turn out fine." But to sit and feel with them.

In a sense, of course, it will all be fine someday. Humanity has experienced atrocities and recovered. In another sense though, none of it will ever be ok. It will never be ok that our children suffer, but at the same time we will all get through it together and be changed because of it.

For me, I have to be alone - a lot - to allow myself to experience. With people I get too caught up in simple solutions and silly phrases like "it will be ok". There aren't a lot of people that I can just sit and experience with, without ruining it by talking.

But I wanted to sit with that couple, and just feel the heaviness with them. That would be my act of compassion. To say, "it will not be ok, and even if it will, it's not ok now. So let's just stop talking and sit here and admire your little girl and feel the sharp pain of the known and the unknown about her future." To just be alone. Together.

SB

2011-12-28T08:17:00.000-08:00

My daughter has spina bifida.

That is the first time I have said that. Does it count to type it, instead of say it outloud?

I usually say my daugher has a lipomyelomeningocele. Or my daughter has a minor spinal cord problem that's on the neural tube defect spectrum. Or my daughter has a rare, mild form of spina bifida that is not like the normal type of spina bifida.

But that's not what her doctors say. That's not what her medical paperwork says. Her diagnosis is "spina bifida." Just those two words.

I met a family at a Christmas party this year who has a teenage son with the same type of spina bifida she has (a more mild type than what first comes to your mind, if you know what spina bifida is). He was a pretty normal kid, running around with the other kids. He is incontinent (his mom told me, I wouldn't have known from looking at him) and he walked a little bit funny - on his toes a bit - but nothing major.

My daughter had a back surgery that was the most intensely stressful time in my entire life when she was 6 months old. The teenage boy I met has had the same surgery 4 times.

The thought of repeating the surgery experience three more times makes me feel physically ill. The thought of my daughter being permanently incontinent makes feel a profound sense of grief and anger. The thought that maybe she will exhibit signs that she needs another surgery, and I will miss those signs, and she will be suffer neurological damage as a result, keeps me up a lot of nights when I should be sleeping.

I have faith that our family will get through this. That whatever her health problems may be, we will come out on the other side of it ok and probably even be happy. That helps me feel like her future will be bright; but it doesn't make my todays easier. In my head I know that it could be much worse. In my head I know that I did my best to be healthy and grow healthy babies, and this is not my fault. My heart is a little bit delayed in those matters. In the moment-to-moment daily grind of life, I feel alone and abandoned. I'm not supposed to feel that way, everyone tells me "it will be fine" and "God designed her for a purpose" and "God will carry you through this." And I believe all of that, but it is still hard. I feel like, if I believe those things, it should be easier. Belief helps me feel more peace in the grand scheme of things, but in the todays, I feel grief and incompetence and sadness.

Her grandma told me how cute it was that she does "ballerina toes" when we try to help her stand. My stomach drops. Because that could be a sign of recurring problems. What do I do? Do I call her neurologist every time she points her toes? Her hand twitched yesterday. Oh my God, do I call? She seems tired this morning. Is that normal, or is her spinal cord doing things it shouldn't?

I try to reach out to other parents with a child with a similar type of spina bifida. I'm seeing a therapist weekly. I'm focusing on savoring every moment with her and loving her and admiring her. I'm coping. But it's hard and I feel like I'm constantly trying to calm an internal storm.

occupy

2011-12-09T19:01:00.000-08:00

I get really tired of my parents' generation complaining that my generation is lazy, greedy, anti-authority and expecting handouts. One, because the majority of the people I know in my generation are the opposite. Two, there have always been people who "live off the system," in the good old days and now. Three, because our generation actually has a lot more to learn and process in order to be competitive in this economic market. C averages and high school degrees don't cut it anymore if you want to stay off welfare. Four, because even if our generation is lazier, greedier, less-compliant-with-authority, and more entitled than their generation....doesn't that say something about our parents?

I remember when I was under age 10, hearing my grandpa complain about my dad's generation. I think it's just a recycled process. Our parents' generation think they have come up with the novel idea that they are better people than we are, but their parents' generation felt the same way about them. It's nothing new. This is clearly anecdotal evidence, and I know there are people who are lazy & greedy & feel entitled. But it's certainly no where close to the majority of us.

The handful of people I've met who truly need help in the form of government handouts are humble and truly trying to improve their situation. The couple of people I've met who are capable of providing necessities for their family if they wouldn't buy so much stuff at Walmart, are the ones that complain the most about all the "people living off the system."

Our generation has contributed a lot to this world. I know we have our faults, but it would be nice to hear more optimism from those that are older than us. Maybe some of us are just living up to the (low) expectations we hear for our generation presented in the media.

It's this kind of stuff that I'm talking about, that I've seen ALL OVER Facebook lately:

All I know about Occupy is what I've heard on NPR, which is liberally biased and very positive about the Occupy movement. So I tend to be positive about it because of where I get my news and because I see how hard so many of my peers have it, even though they did everything "right" in terms of education & life experience. But, EVEN if for sake of argument we assume Occupy IS a bunch of irresponsible 20 year olds who want handouts, do you know what percentage of 20-somethings are ACTUALLY PARTICIPATING in the Occupy movement? Neither do I....but I think it's safe to say it's VERY SMALL. No one has to look very hard to find a lot of 20-somethings who are doing great things with their lives, and giving their lives in war as well. So I wish people would stop spreading negative propoganda about my generation, and start patting us on the back a little more for doing a pretty good job with the cards we were handed by our parents' generation.

paradigm shift

2011-11-20T08:49:00.000-08:00

For the first time in 6 years I am going on vacation without my work laptop or Blackberry. I have not taken a "true" vacation from work like this since I started working. I feel kind of vulnerable and like I'm missing a part of me going to another state without any way to connect easily with work. It's good though. These are the good types of changes from having kids.

the beach house

2011-11-12T08:37:00.000-08:00

Hubby has been coming to his grandma's beach house his whole life. It's a stone-throw from the Pacific ocean. I love it here most when it's cold outside, it reminds me of the beaches in Washington and Oregon. It's 10 minutes from downtown Ventura, which is filled with great little antique shops and some pretty good eats. I've been coming for 7 years, long enough to build my own array of memories separate from hubby's. Here is what I love about the beach house (and it doesn't have a whole lot to do with the ocean and surf). These are the things that I wish would never change.

The family-created-paintings on every wall. If I could ever choose one to take home it would definitely be the painting of Mt. Timpanogos in the 1930s or so.

The eclectic collection of beautiful furniture. Particularly the china hutch and this random old chair in the bedroom that I just love.

The redwood beams that make the ceiling.

The stacks of books all over the place. Things I wouldn't expect a woman in her 80s to read (like Jeffrey Eugendes' Middlesex). Classics (like Silas Marner). John Grisham. Chaim Potok. Tons of old Mormon books from the 50s with some amusing old-school doctrines and rules right next to Carl Sagen. Political books galore. Romance novels. And I know she reads them all because the stacks change every time we're here. Makes me respect her a ton! A home with lots of read books is cozy.

The windows.

The view of the Channel Islands.

The green-tile-shower. Showers don't get any more awesome than pea-green tile. It's really cool and old-school-modernesque. My favorite shower, besides the shower spout that is only as tall as my showers.

The photographs of family going back for decades. Tacky picture frames and all. Love it. Photos make a home cozy.

The memories of relaxing on the beach in legal and illegal ways. The first time I walked with hubby on that beach. The first time we brought our dog on the beach. The first time I walked with our babies on that beach. Kayaking. Body surfing.

The oven. It's circa 1940s I think and in incredible condition.

The hanging line for air drying clothes. Who wouldn't want to wear clothes air-dryed in the ocean breeze?

The organized clutter. I get really tired of homes that feel like museums. This home is organized and nice but someone actually lives here. It's easier to breathe in a home that feels lived in.

Most of all, I love having my babies here. It's a nice break from the hubub of OC. They will make a lot of good memories here too and find their own things to love about this place. I'm excited about that.

Recipes

2011-11-11T19:26:00.001-08:00

After having kids for 6.5 months now I think I have figured out my parenting style. Now that I've put my finger on it, I'm not the least bit surprised at the kind of parent I've turned out to be.

Here's an example. I really dislike baking. Because it usually requires following a recipe exactly (like using measuring spoons and cups and stuff). And I hate that. Now cooking I love. I read cook books. I rarely follow their recipes, but reading recipes gives me inspiration and idea for the way I prepare food. If I want something that turns out perfect and tastes the same every time, I'll get it from Trader Joes thank you very much. Cooking on a whim, with what you have on hand on the moment, and array of spices - it's my favorite. Wabi-sabi cooking, if you will.

Here's another example. I'm pretty turned off by religions with a bunch of defined doctrines. Especially those that think they have all the answers, which is most. If wholeness and spiritual transendence and unity and wisdom and cloesness to God were as easy as following a set of rules, everyone would be doing it. I find a lot of beuaty in unanswered questions, perceived imperfections, experiences that have no apparent underlying purpose, and genuine human interactions untainted by dogmatic misinterpretations of reality.

One more quick one. I am a financial reporting CPA (not tax!) for a reason. Tax code is boring, a seemingly endless list of rules to find loopholes around. Sometimes designed on a whim, rarely natural. Auditing is more of an art. There are a multitude of ways to address an audit problem, no one way to get to the same place, and a lot of room for appropriate creativity.

So back to parenting. After reading a dozen parenting books, listening to hours of unsolicited advice and a few minutes of sought-out guidance, I've realized I parent the same way I cook, practice religion, and do my work. I read recipes, religious texts, and GAAS for inspiration, but definitely not as a step-by-step transcript of how things should be done. I break all sorts of rules along the way. The guidelines are nice for inspiration. The development guides are nice for a vague sense of "what comes next" but nothing more.

Same thing with my kids. Hodge-podge, wabi-sabi, no-partiular-style but beautiful to me in its meshed-together-mess. The 100 different types of documented parenting-styles are inspirational in their own different ways. I let them sleep in my bed (attachment co-sleep style). I feed them new things in the wrong order (non-APA approved style). I think me being at work is the best thing for our family (non-south-OC-norm). I made one cry-it-out (Ferber-style) to go to sleep at 10 weeks and have never made the other do the same. I avoid electronic toys (Waldorf-style). We don't watch TV (APA-recommended-style). I educated myself sufficiently and decided to immunize them regularly (generally against-natural-medicine), while at the same time turning to Dr. Sears and Dr. Mercola published articles and our homeopathic doctor as my first point of advice on most any topic (extremely anti-Western-medicine). I don't read those damn week-by-week emails or book chapters that talk about development, they drive me nuts.

So that's my wabi-sabi parenting style. No recipe, no set of rules, just taking it day by day and following our gut in the moment. We're bound to make a whole basket of mistakes, but at least at the end of the day, we can say we were genuine and followed our hearts.

sabbath thoughts

2011-10-01T21:47:00.000-07:00

I find a lot of sermons to be surface-level and that is one reason why we are pretty picky about the church we attend. But I always know where I can go - albeit not physically - for a thought-provoking sermon on the world wide web. This one pricked my conscious a bit too, so it must be especially good, and it is based, of all things, on Lady Gaga. Worth the read! Here is the snippet that really got me thinking (how much do I have to copy before this becomes plagerism? This is really good though. Go here and read the whole thing, Richard Beck is hands-down my favorite write on the internet, and there are a LOT of people writing!):

And in this, I can't help but wonder if Lady Gaga isn't shaming the church. Because here's the deal. If kids like Jamey [a teenager who committed suicide after being bullied related to his sexuality] aren't being welcomed by churches or by their schools where are they supposed to go?

This is what I think. I think every Christ-following church should start talking to their youth groups, saying unambiguously: We want you to be a wall of protection for kids like Jamey. Seek out and protect--emotionally and socially--every weird, weak, nerdy, lonely, queer kid at your school. We don't care if they are a goth, or a druggy, or a queer. Doesn't matter. Protect these kids. Churches should train their youth groups to be angels of protection, teaching them to find these kids and say, "Hey, I love you. Jesus loves you. So no one's going to bully you. Not on my watch. Come sit with me at lunch." That's what I think. I think every Christ-following church should start Guardian Angel programs like this, teaching their kids to stick up for kids like Jamey. Not with violence. But with welcome and solidarity. Because it's hard to bully a group. So let's welcome these kids into a halo of protection and friendship.

That's what I think Christians should be doing to change our public schools. We shouldn't be fighting battles over stuff like school prayer. Because you know what I think God thinks about our battles regarding school prayer? I think God is shouting from the heavens, "Why don't you shut the hell up about school prayer and start sticking up for Jamey?"

And if you think my language is strong, sensitive reader, know that I'm just paraphrasing the prophets. Read how the prophets speak about prayer, song, and worship when the People of God allow injustice at the gates. You want God in our public schools? So do I. But guess what? God is already inside our public schools. Standing by kids like Jamey.

So the question isn't, why won't the School Board allow God in our schools? No, the question is, why aren't we joining God on the playground and sticking up for kids like Jamey?

From The Gospel According to Lady Gaga by Richard Beck

Good Changes from Being a Mom

2011-09-28T14:04:00.001-07:00

My perspective on the world is changing from having kids. A lot of it is good. My actions don't perfectly match up with these changes, but I'm becoming more aware of certain things...

I am more aware of my character flaws and bad habits. I care a lot less about what size jeans I am wearing or things related to popularity.

I've become even more educated about the chemicals, artificial ingredients, contaminants and health impacts on our bodies (particularly my childrens'). I've become less interested in convenience, as it relates to food & nutrition.

I have realized that there isn't necessarily one right parenting style. Especially with two babies the same age, it's becoming obvious that every child is different and the right "parenting style" varies from one child to another. I guess what I'm saying is parenting isn't very black & white, and generally speaking, parents probably know their own child best and how best to respond to that child. They may respond differently to that child's sibling.

All of a sudden I find myself interested in the American public and private educational systems. Never cared about this before at all.

I'm also more interested in how much we're saving for rainy day, health care costs, and educational purposes; moreso than how much we're saving for retirement or a new car.

Hubby's concern with the environment is peaking my interest these days.

More than in the past, I'm interested in my local resources and economy and how to introduce my children to them.

A Joyful Daughter of God

2011-09-26T21:47:00.001-07:00

I have had a number of recent experiences over the past few months that have made me very thankful for some major life changes I made about a decade ago related to the faith tradition I was raised in. For some reason having a daughter has caused me to reflect on my experiences growing up, moreso than having a son, probably because of the obvious reason that I was a girl too. I know conservative religions can have certain negative impacts on boys, but I feel like they are especially hard on girls.

One of the first times that I realized how thirsty I was for something spiritual outside of what I was raised with, was when I visited another church and was overwhelmed with the joy the people there seemed filled with. The exuded joy, rather than the suffering I thought was normal. To me, it was a stark contrast to the stoic at best, and distressed at worst, nature of the people that I generally encountered on a regular Sunday in my own childhood faith tradition. It seemed that at the church my parents raised me in, the people were always worried about something and rushing about to do do do. People seemed to take pride in their suffering and even their "praise" felt more like a funeral than a celebration.

I don't go back very often anymore, but for the sake of taking our babies to see a lot of my parents' friends this summer, I went to the full three hours of church with them a couple of times. Sometimes I have Matrix-inspired moments of "which was really better, the red pill or the blue pill?" when I think about my choice to separate myself from the group of people I was raised with. I wonder if it would have been easier to just stay, even though I really felt called to leave. It would have saved a lot of trouble with family and friends, that's for sure. But going back to church with my parents has, without fail, always confirmed that I made the right choice. I have yet to go back and feel like I miss it, in fact, on the rare occasion that I do, I am usually shocked by what I observe there (the memory kind of fades after a while, and I forget how extreme it really is).

I was particularly intrigued by the two times I attended the portion of the meeting specifically for women. Both were filled with women agonizing over a variety of topics that aren't really worth agonizing over. It always surprises me how much energy they exert over how hard things are, and how bad the world is, and how difficult it is to raise children, and how difficult it is to keep a stable marriage, and how much work it is to live the gospel. One lesson was on why women of this faith are "extraordinary," which seems like a chance for optimism and positivity, but the discussion quickly turned to how sorrowful these women are for all the other women in the world not of their faith, who they feel (I am quoting what they said) do not have the same caliber of appreciation for family, do not have as much support from their own church-groups, do not have inspired men to rely on for difficult life decisions, do not have the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, and are generally lost in darkness. Huh? I was shocked at the shallow views of the 99.9% of women who aren't of their faith. The woman leading the discussion, who knows of my own journey over the past decade, came up to me after the lesson and apologized. I appreciated her sincerity, but the nature of the discussion - which could have been filled with joy and appreciation, but was filled with what I felt was a negative intensity - was, to me, the fruits by which I know these people, and one of several reasons I can't be a part of them, even though I will acknowledge that I find a rich, complex beauty in some of their teachings.

Recently, I've been forwarded by several women of this faith a quote from one of thier male leaders that drives the point home. I think it is meant to be encouraging, a reminder of God's love, but the preface to the encouragement is "no matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be...."

And so I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude that my own daughter can be shielded from a culture in which the general message to the women is one that assumes they are, for the most part, feeling insignificant and overshadowed and that their days are dark. I still don't quite know where, religiously, I feel comfortable raising a daughter - the church I've been going to as a mature adult doesn't seem a good fit to me for my babies - but I know that I want her to learn that Christ's teachings are meant to guide her to "abide in God's love," and so that "God's joy might remain in [her], and that [her] joy might be full." I want her to know that even the hard things in life can be experienced with joy. I want her to seek joy rather than suffering, and be proud of the joy she finds, rather than dwelling on any suffering along the way. I want her to have confidence in God's love for her that negates the need for a man to remind her that God loves her. I would rather have her surrounded by non-religious women who are filled with this type of love and joy, than extremely religious people whose days seem dark. I have hope that we can find a happy medium inbetween these two, and I am quite confident that we can.

I want to raise a joyful daughter. And the best way I know how to do that, aside from being joyful myself, is to surround her with people who are, by nature, joyful.

Home

2011-09-11T14:47:00.000-07:00

I grew up in a relatively small, quiet agricultural community. Life there was much slower than where we live now (south Orange County CA). Sure, there are some people in town that are obsessed with keeping up with their neighbors and in a rush to get ahead in life, but it doesn't seem to be the "norm". People drive older cars and drive them slower (not a whole lot of cars going 85 on the freeway). Houses and women age a little more gracefully with less remodeling, less nipping & tucking, fewer upgrades. Where I grew up, there are a lot less people that think it's perfectly normal to spend a couple of hours in the car each day commuting here and there. It's calm and it feels like there is more space to breathe. I only lived there for 10 years but it still feels more like home than anywhere else to me.

It seems like each time I visit my hometown, I go back to my current home with an itch to move somewhere smaller and more affordable. I have to ask myself a couple of questions each time this happens:

Is it my attitude that needs to change - am I remembering life being simpler in my hometown only because I was a kid? Or is my current environment really as different as I perceive it to be?

Did I give in to quickly to my debate with my then-fiance over whether to move to Orange County? Because we almost broke off our engagement over our disagreement on where to settle down, and when one person wants to live in a certain place and the other doesn't, it's hard to find a happy medium.

To answer my questions, I really do think my hometown is smaller and more down to earth. And although I have come to love a lot of things about my life in south OC, I genuinely feel it is, generally, not a good place to raise grounded children with good values. It can be done, of course, but it seems like I have to look a lot harder in south OC to find the type of people I would want my kids to view as role models. In fact, I have to look a lot harder to find the type of people that I want as role models for ME! I get caught up in the extreme busy-ness and "getting ahead" attitude too much, and since it is so much more prevelant in south OC than my hometwon, I forget a lot more about what is really important. There seems to be more distractions from reality and good simple living in south OC.

To answer the other question, I don't think I gave in too fast. I did make the decision that I would rather live some place not so preferable and be married to the person I love, and I knew how much the CA coastline meant to him and how it would be harder for him to be happier elsewhere (I moved so much as a kid that I don't have as deep of roots). However, I do think we could find a better compromise about where in Southern CA we live. The happiest I have been while we lived there was when we moved to northern San Diego county for a few months. It was short-lived because of some property we owned and my super-long commute to work, but I felt a lot more "at home" there than I do in south OC. And I feel like I could raise my kids how I want them raised easier there, with a slower pace of life, less time in the car, less materialism-obsession, and closer to the real reason we live in CA (the ocean). So while it's not anything that I could see happening in the near future, I do hope that someday we'll be able to get a little further away from the south OC suburbia and back to somewhere that feels a little more natural to me.

Unclean

2011-07-25T16:55:00.001-07:00

I finished a book! Yay! First one since the twins were born. Let's see what I can get in as far as a review before someone wakes up....

Unclean by Richard Beck, to me, was a psychological analysis of why we are so prone to being elite, exclusive, and inhospitable to “others.” Beck gives an academic analysis of “disgust,” a human emotion that at its heart, is meant to protect us from ingesting substances that could be physically harmful. Society conditions us, however, to feel disgust and a variety of things and people that are actually not disgusting (in the sense of harming us physically). To make a long story short, some of these things and people that certain societies teach as disgusting (poor hygiene, certain “moral” offenses, homosexuality, body issues such as gore or deformity) keep us from being hospitable to groups of people (i.e. excluding them) rather than taking care of them (which, ironically, would be the Christ-like thing for Christian Americans to do, but Christian Americans tend to be most vulnerable to this type of hostility).

Just as we would spit out (“expel”) a disgusting substance in our mouths that could physically harm us, we tend to exclude (“expel”) groups of people we label as “disgusting” from the circle of people we deem worthy of our love and hospitality.

Rather than giving in to elitist thinking and excluding groups of people, Beck argues that “Hospitality is about selfhood. It is that space where the dignity of every human person is vouchsafed, embraced, and protected…” implying that the people that we are taught by society that it is ok to avoid, or ok to withhold help from, should actually be given a status of dignity.

The opposite of a “disgusting” substance or person is a “pure” substance or person. Religions (including general American Christianity) place a lot of emphasis on “purity”. In Unclean, Beck argues that the “…flight into purity is often a flight from need into self-sufficiency. And this flight into purity and self-sufficiency has catastrophic effects upon human compassion and empathy…”

Disgust is often linked to people and substances we relate to our animality (sex or other physical acts that remind us our bodies are the same as animal’s bodies), death or to impurity. (For example, for Christians that believe homosexuality is a sin, why are gay couples called impure or disgusting, but someone that is prideful is not called impure or disgusting, even though pride specifically called out by Jesus a sin and homosexuality is not? Beck’s psychology behind this suggests that Christians view sexual sins as “impure” because they remind us we really are physically animals, while pride does not act as such a reminder.)
The heart of the book for me is a call back to hospitality – i.e. community, taking care of each other, being kind and considering others needs, etc – on page 175:

“The repression of death and need is particularly acute in America and other modern, technologically advanced nations. The reason for this is that our material wealth and technological success obscure our need and vulnerability. Never suffering want or poverty, and trusting in modern medicine, Americans can live (and pretend) as if they were immortal. This creates a cultural worldview that is characterized by what Ernest Becker has called “the denial of death,” the refusal to admit the reality of death into our lives and consciousness. Arthur C. McGill gives another cogent analysis of this…[noting] that “Americans like to appear as if they give death hardly any thought at all.” The American ethic is, thus, “for people to create a living world where death seems abnormal and accidental. [Americans] must create a living world where life is so full, so secure, and so rich with possibilities that it gives no hint of death and deprivation.”

What we see in this death repression is a collective and cultural denial of our own vulnerability and need. The American duty, according to McGill, is to be “fine,” to take up “the duty to look well, to seem fine, to exclude from the fabric of [our] normal life any evidence of decay and death and helplessness.” This social pressure to be “fine,” to hide from others our vulnerability and failure, is the dark and pathological side of the American success ethos. It is the drive to become so materially successful as to eliminate all trace of need. It is the quest, as noted above, to be god-like: separate, autonomous, self-contained, and without need.”

The other, shorter, message that really hit me was this:

“True love moves me into need”

True hospitality and charity is not giving to others only when we have excess material things, excess emotional strength, excess time – caring for others out of true love for humanity requires us to give to a point of being in need. Not only when we have “extra,” because there is always someone who has less than us (money, time, emotional and mental health, physical strength) and so there is always someone we can help no matter what our means.

break-down

2011-07-12T17:44:00.000-07:00

I think I had what may be labeled a nervous breakdown a few days ago. Well, it was actually at about 1 am, not during the day, but hubby ended up nervous that I needed a straight-jacket instead of our twins! (Swaddling = straight-jacket)

Everyone that comes over to my house always tells me how good our babies are. And they are for the most part. They aren't colicky at all (when they cry, they are consolable). They eat well and don't have reflux issues.

But, when someone else is here, THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE TO HOLD TWO BABIES. Because when I say they are consolable, what I mean is that if held, they will stop crying. And although I do it every day, it is actually rather tiring and difficult to hold two babies well enough (while standing and bouncing) to calm both down.

Also, when someone else is here, TWO BABIES CAN QUICKLY AND EASILY BE FED. One of the main causes of crisis at our house is when there is only one adult home (me) and there are two babies who get hungry at the same exact time. Yes, I can breastfeed one with one arm, and put the other one in a boppy pillow (only recently, they used to be too small, but at that time my mom was here to help); or bottle feed both at the same time by laying them on the ground in front of me. But usually I am breastfeeding one, which means when I switch sides I have to take the bottle out of the other baby's mouth (i.e. that baby starts screaming), re-position, and then get both babies calmed down enough to eat again.

When I am holding or feeding two babies, and finally have everything under control, I will without doubt realize that I have to pee really bad, or that my water-bottle is a couple of feet out of reach.

Also, no one is ever here AT NIGHT. Granted, nights have been improving drastically over the past week. But before that, the prior 10 weeks were filled with 1 or 1.5 hour stretches of sleep. I know that moms of one baby have to get up in the middle of the night too. But both my babies, for the first 10 weeks, wanted to eat every couple of hours, peppered with bouts of non-hunger-related crying, waking up and needing to be consoled/rocked back to sleep, etc. People always ask me "Did you have a good night?" Well, since often times I would get 2-3 hours of sleep in 3-4 different stretches, 4 one-hour naps was a good night. And I don't know if you have ever functioned on 4 one-hour naps at night per night for 10 weeks, but it can make someone crazy.

Now, I had almost around-the-clock help for the first 10 weeks, which means I could take better naps in the afternoon than I did at night. And that I had someone to help feed them. And that I could run to the store if I needed to. And that I had someone to help me hold babies. And that, in the middle of the night, if I was having a bad night, it was ok because I would have relief the next day. And if we all decided to go somewhere with the babies, I had someone to help me get out the door with them.

So rewind to day 3 last week of "solo-mothering" without my around-the-clock help, and it hit me that taking care of twins when there is only one adult is REALLY HARD. Visitors will not believe me, because my babies are always so happy and content when they can both be held at the same time and both be fed when they are hungry and both be paid undivided attention to by a single adult. But when I am here by myself, it is HARD. Oh, and there are no adults to talk to and I feel my brain turning to mush. But that's another topic.

At about 1 am I lost it. As the sole witness, my husband would have a better idea of how long I cried and how out of control my brain was (I don't think I said anything during that time that made sense). And bless his heart, he went to work the next day after staying up all night with me (probably because he feared I was too unstable to take care of our children!).

But, the next day, I realized I felt a lot better. I realized that I have not really had a chance to truly grieve the loss of my B.C. (before-children) life. Don't get me wrong, I am over-joyed to have our babies and thrilled with my little family. But, I have realized several things:

1. I am not an infant person. I like pictures of infants just as well as the real thing. I do enjoy certain moments of my day with my infants, but generally, infants are just a lot of work. I know all kids are a lot of work, but I have to believe it is easier when they can entertain themselves for 3 minutes with a toy instead of needing literally non-stop attention (because when you have two that don't sleep at the same time, it feels like there is ALWAYS an infant needing attention).

2. I will never just be "me" and not be "mom" again. I will always have the two of them in the back of my mind. Never will I be able to go anywhere or do anything without first thinking how it will impact them. The loss of this freedom is something I wanted and I wouldn't have it any other way, but I realized I still feel that loss acutely and needed to recognize that and let myself really feel it.

3. Our relationship will never just be the two of us. It feels like our marriage is a business partnership right now, arranged in such away to cover the bases and make sure everyone is taken care of without much of a deep connection. I know that this will get better, in fact it already is, but there is another whole list of freedoms lost to just be a couple without children. To go anywhere, stay out until any hour even on a weeknight, have no interruptions...

4. We are no longer DINCs (double-income-no-children). Gone are the days with mass amounts of disposbale income to do what we please with. All of a sudden a $4 latte or a new full-price work outfit from Ann Taylor is weighed against 529 college savings plans, trying to triple our emergency savings, thinking about a bigger car that will accomodate two babies AND camping....and we find ourselves considering serious things like a trust for our life insurance policies to make sure our children our provided for as we see fit if we were not here to do so, more aggressive retirement planning to shelter our kids from having to provide for us...having kids is serious business!

5. EVERYTHING we do is being watched now. I buy diet soda and think "Oh my God, I don't want my kids drinking this crap, which means the can't see me drinking it!" We eat dinner on the couch or eat in the car and think "Wow, 3 more months and we can't do this anymore if we are going to teach our kids not to eat anywhere but the kitchen table." I drop any number of 4 letter words and bite my tongue at the realization that all too soon little ears will be hearing and repeating.

So with my help gone and the weight of everything hitting me at once, I got a little overwhelmed and lost it. I spent a night grieving all of these losses, really feeling everything, and had a very long day the next day since I got next to no sleep. But after the following night, and some rest, I woke up feeling refreshed and once again overjoyed at my little babies and the miracle they are. I'm glad to give up all of these things for them, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel the loss.

The past 5 years have been, by far, the best years of my life. Things will never again be like they were for those 5 years. But I have a feeling that the next couple of decades will be a whole different type of "best" that I can hardly imagine.

Nervous break-downs are under-rated!

*PS For anyone that bothered to read this far and is wondering how I have time to write such a novel, it is because the vaccines my kids got this morning have caused them to fall into a very deep sleep for a very long time. I have not had so much free time since before they were born! I have been thinking all this through in my head for the past several days and it is nice to digest it, process it, and get it in writing.

Microwave-free

2011-07-12T17:27:00.001-07:00

When we were trying (unsuccessfully) to get pregnant, we went on a health kick to get rid of hormones in our milk products, stop drinking out of plastic, stop using skin products with dangerous chemicals, stop storing our food in plastic tupperware (by switching to glass containers instead and doing our best to avoid ziploc when possible), and eating local organic produce as much as possible. We have managed to maintain these habits throughout getting pregnant and being pregnant, and now as a regular part of life with our children.

We've always been good to eat mostly whole, raw foods and don't have much of a problem with processed foods.

But, we had one more vice we're trying to kick. About 6 months ago, a family member that we feel is a model for good health and balanced living described to us her concerns about microwave use. She gave up her microwave long ago for food and uses it only to sanitize kitchen sponges and rags! At the time, I thought to myself, that I could never give up the microwave. It's too convenient!

Two things have changed my mind. The first was when I learned that microwaving breast-milk kills the antibody effect and breaks down bacteria-digesting enzymes in breast-milk that assist babies in absorbing nutrients and protects them from pathogens. If an infant's food is disrupted by microwaving, wouldn't an adult's food be as well?

The second was an article I read about how easy it is to replace your microwave with a convection oven. We already have a high-quality convection oven that I use for baking and roasting during the summer when I don't want the heat of the huge oven. So for the past week I have made it a goal to stop using the microwave. Surprisingly, it is in fact very easy to use my convection oven instead, even for warming up leftovers. Vegetables that I would usually steam in the microwave (I don't have a pan that steams) can be roasted instead in the convection oven. I have only slipped up once and microwaved popcorn for us (only because we haven't purchased an air-popper yet).

Here is a good summary of the potential dangers of microwave cooking.

The past week has been easy enough that I can see us turning this into a lifelong way of cooking instead of just a week-long suspension.

Paradoxes of Mothering Infant Twins

2011-06-03T23:08:00.000-07:00

I adore my twins, who are now 6 weeks old (I can hardly believe they are already 6 weeks!). Especially after all we have been through to get them into this world, I am especially thankful to have them here. So this is a little tongue-in-cheek....meant to amuse me at the end of a long day but also a little true at the same time! Here is what I have learned about the contradictions of being a mother so far.

1. I love my kids. I also love that my mom lets me/us forget about them for a while and go to the beach or the movies (or Target to buy kid-stuff, ha ha).

2. I am so glad I get to stay home with my kids for the first 6 months of their life. Most days I also spend time fantasizing about what my day would be like if I was at work, and I'm very glad I get to go back to work at some point in the relatively near future (because I have a good job, good childcare lined up, a supportive husband) and I'm excited to go back.

3. I can't imagine life without my kids. I also miss a lot of things about my pre-kids life.

4. I have less to accomplish on each day's to-do list than ever before in my life. I also exert more effort finishing each day's to-do list than ever before in my life.

5. Babies are the result of sex (well, not mine, they are the result of sophisticated fertility treatments, but I'm speaking generally here). Babies also result in no more sex (at least that is how it appears to me currently).

6. Twins are twice the baby. Twins are also quadruple the work. If you don't believe me ask someone who has had a singleton and twins. (The words triplets or quads are swear words in my house right now, I can't even BEGIN to imagine.)

7. My babies sleep approx. 15 hours a day each. I get 4-5 hours a night and a couple of hours during the day (only because of help from others). This is a paradox to me that makes no logical sense and I can't explain it, but it's true.

8. Breastfeeding requires mothers to forgo hard liquor. Hard liquor would probably make mothers of infant twins nicer to their husbands in the evening because days would go faster and feel easier. Maybe this was designed carefully by God to keep mothers sober enough to adequately care for their children! Ha ha ha

My C-Section

2011-05-14T06:27:00.001-07:00

I find that it is mostly wasted breath to try and explain to people why I am disappointed I had to have a C-section. Delivering that way seems to be something that other women are more likely to envy - because there was no uncertainty regarding the timing of the birth and I could prepare for it better, because the healing process seems to be easier (from what I hear, I have nothing to compare it to), because also from heresay there seems to be less long-term issues with bladder control and pelvic floor muscles after a C-section than after a vaginal delivery.

But, strange as it may seem, I was actually really looking forward to natural delivery of my children. When I've expressed that, I've been told that "looking forward" to it was evidence of my ignorance toward the whole childbirth experience since I have never experienced it. I spent hunderds of hours preparing for a natural birth. The preparation wasn't totally wasted, some of the hypnosis/relaxation techniques I learned where helpful in dealing with the miserable symptoms of my cholestasis, and will continue to be helpful in just day-to-day stessful life. But the main purpose, having a natural birth, wasn't realized.

I perceive there to be something organically fulfilling and physically meaningful in the birth of a child, much less two. The natural endorphins and hormones released, the sensation of holding a baby that is still attached to me and untouched by anyone but me, the satisfaction of completing such a physically challenging experience that ends with such a major lifetime reward - these are the things I feel I missed out on by having a C-section.

At the end of the day, I have two healthy babies that would likely not have been so healthy without the invent of modern medicine, which I am thankful for. Yes, they have perfectly shaped heads (no birth canal); yes my parents were able to be here (we knew exactly when they'd be born); yes, my body is more intact than it otherwise probably would be; yes, I navigated around a lot of intense/painful moments. But since I'm pretty sure these are my only two babies, I also think I missed out on an opportunity to experience something I would have liked to have experienced. Perhaps others are right, if I had experienced it, I would have realized missing out on it wouldn't have been a problem. But I will never know that for myself, and for that, I do feel some sense of loss.

Empathy and Forgiveness

2011-03-14T10:12:00.000-07:00

Hubby and I were talking a lot yesterday about empathy. The whole conversation started with observations of various issues that our parents have with their parents; i.e. things our grandparents did wrong that still seem to bother our parents. As neither one of us have deep relationships with our grandparents (at least the ones we were discussing), we found it easy to express empathy toward their lives and their mistakes. We have quite a bit of information (I don't know if I'd call it factual, they are family stories so the info seems generally reliable but is most certainly biased in one way or another) about the trials and difficulties our grandparents experienced. And we aren't emotionally connected to the mistakes that perhaps were a result of those trials and difficulties, so it makes it easy for us, as third-party observers, to feel empathetic toward those mistakes. We end up feeling admiration for what they overcame and find it easy to forgive their trespasses against our parents.

We realized that generational gap that separates us from our grandparents is an important factor of what makes that empathy and forgiveness so easy.

When we took it a step closer, and talked about things our parents had been through, we realized that it took a lot more maturity to arrive at similar feelings of empathy. Perhaps the level of empathy we felt for our grandparents at age 20 didn't develop for our parents until age 30. It's as if that added level of closeness made it harder to look at the situation objectively and feel a sense of understanding for what our parents have been through. We had to go through more life, and experience more ourselves, before we could appreciate our own parents' experiences. We decided this was probably because with our grandparents, we observed their experiences without making any judgments about how they had impacted us. With our parents, it took a lot longer for us to separate their experiences from the impact on us - when we were younger, we didn't see their experiences at all (only how they affected our lives); as we got older we were finally able to start separating the two, and seeing our parents' experiences as separate from our own. This made it easier to have understanding and empathy, which makes it easier to forgive mistakes.

Moving a step closer, we realized the hardest person for us to feel empathy and understanding for was ourselves. Because we could most intimately connect our prior experiences/decisions with current impact/consequences, it is the hardest for us to separate the experience with the impact, and therefore hardest for us to feel empathy or understanding for ourselves. We couldn't think "that was a really hard thing I went through, and although I would now, with 20/20 hindsight, do A, B and C differently, I feel empathy for my prior self and what I was going through." All we could think would be "If I had done A, B and C differently, than today, X, Y and Z would be easier and these problems wouldn't exist."

So seemingly the hardest person to forgive are the people closest to us (including ourselves), and the easier people to forgive are those that are a little further removed.

I think this realization made me even more in awe of God's understanding, empathy and forgiveness, because supposedly he knows me more infinitely than I know myself, which based on our observations should make him forgiving me even harder than me forgiving myself.

Quotations

2011-03-12T07:56:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm constantly re-posting stuff from Experimental Theology, which is my absolute favorite blog on the world wide web. He just writes things so well, and so much of what he writes causes me to think "Oh yeah, that's EXACTLY what my vague thoughts/feelings are, I just could have NEVER put it into such fantastic words!"

Anyhow, this one is worth a full read even though it's long. He presents his explanation for the following problems with the Christian church. Reading these problems struck a huge nerve because these are essentially the main problems hubby and I have with the American Christian church, our main fears about raising our kids in the American Christian church, and the reason behind our qualms of telling people we are Christian without offering a more extended description to explain exactly what we mean (and don't mean) by that word:

All quoted directly from Experimental Theology:

1. Privileging Justification over Sanctification:
Why do so many Christians consider salvation to be a status rather than the slow transformation into the image of Jesus? Why do so few Christians end up as committed disciples? Why do we privilege the cognitive decision of "accepting Jesus" over spiritual formation? Why is there, in the words of Bonhoeffer, more "cheap grace" than "costly grace"?

2. Privileging Then over Now:
Why do so many Christians have an over-realized and triumphal eschatology? Why do they think more about singing praise songs in heaven than about the hurt and suffering all around them?

3. Privileging Soul Saving over Social Justice:
Why has evangelism become dislocated from social justice? Why do so many Christians think "proclaiming the Kingdom come" means bible study but not digging wells or feeding the hungry?

4. Privileging Piety over Engaging the Powers:
Why are so many Christians focused on individual moral performance over social and political engagement with the structural evils and injustices in the world? Why do Christians worry about gays but not poverty?

5. Privileging the Soul over the Body:
Why are Christians so Gnostic in their approach to the body? Why are they not more sacramental and Incarnational? Why do they privilege orthodoxy over orthopraxy?

6. Privileging Heaven over the Earth and Creation:
Why aren't Christians more concerned over a Creation God declared "good"? Why do so many Christians think the earth can be used as big trash can? Or used up and thrown away?

-Musings about Universalism, Part 5: Rejecting Death-Centered Christianity

What is so great about his writings is that he doesn't just present these problems, he presents a theory on why he thinks they exist and what we can do to resolve them. If only my BYU religion classes could have been filled with this much meat....

love wins

2011-03-05T09:13:00.001-08:00

LOVE WINS. from Rob Bell on Vimeo.

I really liked this plug by Rob Bell for a new book he has coming out called "Love Wins". One of the things I really miss about our old church, which was a United Church of Christ denomination, is that in my opinion they get the most important thing right: love. They get looked down upon by a lot of Christian churches because they are considered "too open", and teach "too broadly," without enough "letter of the law" or "literal" biblical interpretation.

The way I would say these things though, is that they do the best job at loving everyone, standing up for those that are persecuted and those that are on the fringes of society. They do the best job of any other church I've known of being the poor in spirit, the meek, the people that hunger and thirst for righteousness (instead of cars or homes or fancy clothes), the mericful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers. Of all the religous peeople I've met, these are the ones I would call the salt of the earth. I didn't learn to quote much scripture there, and I didn't develop many relationships because of the age distribution of the congregation, but I was a better person when I was there. IUCC truly exhibits being in the world but not of the world, which is one of the things I struggle with in life, and I hope to find a time in life when I can return to this type of worship experience and community.

The idea expressed in this video, "Love Wins," is similar to the ideas cultured in the United Church of Christ. I'm excited to read the book.

To My Daughter: Career

2011-02-24T20:42:00.000-08:00

I found myself sitting around a conference room table today with about 10 men. I've been in this situation before and thought that it feels a little odd. Today was even more extreme, because on top of being the only woman in the room, I was the only one sitting 12 inches back from the table (to give my belly room as to not bump into the edge) and the only one being distracted by constant moving, bouncing, and kicking that was absolutely out of my control. Being the only female in a meeting is a little strange, being the only extremely pregnant woman AND the only woman in the room is a lot strange. I don't know a lot about having a career as a man, but I think I have a few good things to say about having a career as a woman.

My career has been a trying series of events for me. When I first started working out of college, I thought that I didn't like what I did but felt like I had to do it. Sometimes I blamed Ryan (I'd say your dad but that still feels to weird) for my dissatisfaction, since the reason I thought I had to keep doing what I was doing was because he wanted to live in such an expensive place.

By the time I realized that I was the one putting the high financial expectations on myself (he was totally happy with a simple less-materialistic life, I was just looking for someone to blame for my own frustration with my priorities), the economy had crashed and I was kind of stuck - I had a decent job with good pay and good benefits, and others with my qualifications were out of work. There weren't a lot of jobs to go around.

Then we decided to start a family. It is important to me to keep working when we have kids, and so it was important to me to have been with a company for enough time that they would support me and work with me through the transition into working-mom phase. So I felt like I had to decide between a) committing to staying where I was even though the economy was improving (the upside was my company was very flexible with me starting a family) or b) put off having a family for a couple of more years so I could get established with a new position.

Since we chose option "a" (and I'm so glad because I'm so excited for you and your brother to get here!), I was left to reconcile my feelings of discontent with the pressure and demands of my job of 5 years. I found that there are certain things I really do like about my job, and by focusing on those things, the pressure and demands were less upsetting.

That is a condensed version, but nonetheless, here are the main things I have learned about a career over the past 5 years:

1) Don't rush into it. An extra year or two in college is nothing in the long run if it ends with you finding something you are truly interested in. (Luckily, I did like my major, but I know enough women that rushed into something to know that it's not the best idea.)

2) Live beneath your means. I used to think that people said this so they could retire or pay for their kids' education. But really, it's about freedom. If you decide you want to go back to school, or change jobs, or travel for a yaer, or take some time off to figure things out - you CAN, if you've lived beneath your means and saved enough to support yourself through the change.

3) Find a good balance between liking your job and getting paid well. Money may not buy true happiness, but being able to support yourself brings security and freedom. It's ok to give a little on the "like my job" part - perhaps take on some responsibilities that you don't care for as much - in exchange for making more. Just don't sell out all the way (i.e. hating everything you do just for the sake of making money). It's a hard balance to find, but I guarantee you that no one loves every single aspect of their job.

4) It's ok to find something you are so passionate about that it doesn't feel like a job, and you want to do it all the time. These are probably the type of people that will cure cancer, or that made it to the moon. But it's also ok to find hobbies that you are passionate about but don't pay you anything (in fact, they probably cost money), and then work for the sake of paying for those hobbies. You should do your job with integrity, but you don't have to be married to it.

5) What you do in your 20s does not have to be what you do in your 30s. What you do in your 30s does not have to be what you do in your 40s. Most of the older people I know that are happiest in their careers, never guessed they'd be doing what they are currently doing it. They "fell into it" by continuing to search until the found it, and not being afraid to take risks.

6) Being a full-time parent is a perfectly fine career if that's what you want to do (either temporarily or for a long, long time). Being a full-time outside-the-home employee while having kids is also perfectly fine. Anything in between is perfectly fine (oh, and not having a family at all is perfectly fine too). All of these things are perfectly fine as long as you are doing it for the right reason. Make the right decision for you.

7) That said, don't ever rely solely on a man for money or health insurance. This can be achieved by having an education and work experience (even if you choose to take a break), living beneath your means (to have money in savings if necessary), keeping your foot in the door of a career (even if just a few hours a week!) even if you are being a full-time parent, and having a good work-ethic. Choosing to be with someone is a much better relationship-builder than having to be with someone.

8) Having a good work ethic is the best way to open doors for yourself, even if you don't like what you are doing at the time. Hardly anyone is paid for liking to do something, they are paid for doing a good job - so do a good job, and people will notice, and opportunities will present themselves.

To My Daughter: Religion

2011-01-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

Religion is the number one concerns I have for you. There are so many zealots with blinders on in our community, and they are so LOUD, that I'm worried you won't be able to hear about what is really important in life because they drown it out.

I haven't figured out yet how I am going to raise you to respect people I want you to respect even though I disagree so strongly with many of their paradigms. I haven't figured out how to do that myself yet, it seems like most days its either give in to their narrow view or stand up for myself and come off bitchy.

Here are the basic things I hope you'll learn about religion:

1) There is a huge difference in religious practices (and by practices I mean ritualistic things, not practicing good values etc) and relationship with God. Some people will try and tell you the practices/rituals are the important part. The practices/rituals don't matter, but you should respect that some people choose them without feeling like you need to follow.

2) Some people have already decided that you are not being raised appropriately when it comes to religion, even though you are not born yet. We will try to teach you how to think rationally and make up your own mind about things, what you decide to do with that religiously as an adult is up to you. When it comes to the extremes of a) brainwashing you to repeat things which have no meaning to a child and believe you have to be a certain way when you don't even know what different ways there are; or b) not teaching you anything about religion at all, we would like to raise you somewhere in the middle. However, given that perfect compromise is impossible, we feel more comfortable erring on the side of b) than of a).

3) Some people are offended or have their feelings hurt by some of the things we do in our family do. Mommy loves a soy latte to get the morning going, daddy wants to kick back with a beer sometimes after working hard all day. Sometimes when it's a beautiful day outside on a Sunday we think it's better to spend time hiking or at the beach rather than going to church. We have very different opinions about political issues that many people attach to religion. The dietary codes, Sunday activities, opinions about abortion and Rome and healthcare don't really matter, but you should respect people who think they do (even if you overhear us complaining passionately about those people sometimes).

4) We will be proud of the decisions you make regarding religion if you make them rationally and for the right reasons, even if we disagree with your choices. Because even though some people think what religion you are is the most important thing, it really doesn't matter. Oh, and if you want to just take a break from all the religious/spiritual/organization based experiences for a while and just go out in to the world and make mistakes and figure life out by yourself for awhile without much community, we'll back you in that too.

5) You will never have all the answers. Don't try to make up or buy into silly folklore. Don't stick with what's comfortable even if it doesn't stand up to the scientific method. Don't put everything to a scientific method, know when to think with your heart (this one is usually for issues surrounding people and relationships, not for scientific things like the planet or medicine). Don't get so caught up in finding answers to things that you lose track of what really matters, because having all the answers really doesn't.

6) Stick up for yourself. Generally speaking, dad models this behavior better than mom. Don't walk all over other people and don't disrespect people that are different than you, but don't let them walk all over you or be disrepsectful toward you either. Oftentimes you can just make things a non-issue, but some people are intent on making it an issue anyway - that's when you need to stick up for yourself.

7) If you are overly-emotional about a religious decision, sit on it for a week or a month or a year and see how you feel then. Emotional religious decisions usually lead to trouble somewhere down the road. The American Church can be rather sickening with its emotional games and sophisticated marketing ploys, don't get caught up in it. Someday you may become familiar with the phrase false prophet, and realize that it has something to do with emotional religion (among other things).

8) What really matters are people. Absolutely final, people are the most important thing. If you want to find people that will help you remember this (because most forget it), look for people who are loving, live life with joy, bring a sense of peace (as opposed to chaos or urgency) to the room, are tolerant and noncomplaining, radiate goodness, earn your trust and are sincere in their intentions, have patience and moderation in day-to-day living, and don't constantly express resentment. These are the people that know what really matters. If you find a community of these people, recognize this great blessing and do what you can to contribute. If you find even one of these people, you will still be more greatly blessed than even the most religious of folks.

To My Daughter (first of several)

2010-12-30T23:40:00.000-08:00

I feel that life would be filled with more simplicity if I had found out I was having two boys. I really wanted you, really wanted a girl, and was delighted when the doctor told me that's what you were. It still knocked me over, I wasn't expecting my heart to stop momentarily when he said it. I believe that giving you a foundation on which you can build happiness, contentment, wisdom, goodness, fulfillment, peace, passion and love - what I would wish for you in your life - will be more difficult because you are a girl who will become a woman. Perhaps this is only because I do not have direct experiences with being a man in this culture; I know there are unique difficulties on that side of the gender spectrum as well. But even though our society is a much more friendly place to be a woman than it was when my own mom was young, I still think generally gifts more hindrances to women than to men.

You will be a woman with half my genetics and with me as your first female role model, which will make being a girl/woman slightly more difficult for you. You will probably be somewhat of a skeptical, analytical, critical, slightly-cynical, dubious person with a passion for life so deep that it cannot easily be fulfilled, and may sometimes leave you feeling a little empty. Or lead you down hundreds of dead-end paths only to have to turn around to find another new one. These are not negative things, I value these parts of my own self, but do make for a more complicated youth, but what I believe to be a fuller and more authentic adult life. As Socrates said, an unexamined life is not worth living, and a life packed with quandary does thrust one into examining one's life.

Then again, you may be none of these things - I love my own mom dearly but didn't turn out very much like her at all.

Either way, you are likely to have certain emotional and psychological snags that are rather unique to your gender, in general. Your religious upbringing will be hazy compared to many of your friends (sorry - your cousins will be Mormon and your community peers will live under the Rick-Warren-Saddleback shadow). I can't raise you to be a certain way, because I don't really believe that I can/should/will "turn you into something". Rather I will try to pass on foundational values that will help you (and me!) discover who you are, a more exploratory process than teaching you what you should be. I'll teach you that you should be financially self-supporting, but also not give up having a family if you want one, which will throw a whole obstacle course in your life in your late-20s/early 30s.

What I am saying is that I am excited to see who you will be, and I won't be sorry if the road to you discovering that is as long and winding and up and down and backwards as my own has been. In my experiences, the messier journeys usually lead to the most beautiful people. So here's to hoping your journey is wonderfully messy and full of imperfections that will lead you to a life that is perfect for you.

what matters more

2010-10-10T14:06:00.000-07:00

Ryan and I had just finished lunch over a long discussion regarding the Christian-community's obsession with gay/straight issues, and what the best way to approach a discussion about such issue is, since they all appear to be so passionately interested in everyone's sexuality. Our main conclusion on the topic was that debating whether or not homosexuality is a sin is pointless since one can't really apply logic to it, and since most people will pull whatever obscure scriptures out of the Bible to support what they already feel convicted of, while ignoring everything else. The more meaningful conversation seems to be one centered on, if you believe homosexuality - & gossiping & judging & materialism & gluttony & sloth & greed & pride & envy - are all sins, then why the huge emphasis on homosexuality? If we are going to legislate and ostracize and categorize sexuality, why don't we make it illegal, and make it a social taboo, and make it impossible to be any type of church leader or even member and to be a woman who likes to talk about others (don't we all), or an adult who looks down on others, or someone on the pursuit of more and more material things, or an overweight person who eats too much, or sleeps to much, or consumes to much of anything or is prideful or who looks at what others have without feeling content personally.....Why does Luke 42 apply to every sin except for homosexuality (for the sake of the argument I'm calling it a sin, not because I believe that)?

Anyway, right after lunch I logged onto my Google reader and found the first post that popped up to be Richard Beck's "What Matters More", which is a reference to a song I had never heard by one of my favorite Christian artists, Derek Webb. Richard Beck says about What Matters More:

The song, as Webb explained, was prompted by the Barna research showing that the #1 association non-believers have when they hear the word "Christian" is "anti-gay." What Matters More is a song where Webb asks the Christian community to revisit its priorities in light of the gospel.

It was either ironic or fitting that this was the first thing I read and listened to after our lunch conversation:

You say always treat people like you'd like to be
I guess you love being hated for your sexuality
You love when people put words in your mouth
About what you believe
Make you sound like a freak

'Cause if you really believed
What you say you believe
You wouldn't be so damned reckless
With the words you speak
You wouldn't silently consent
When the liars speak
Denying all the dying of the remedy

(Chorus)
Tell me, brother what matters more to you
Tell me, sister what matters more to you

If I can see what's in your heart
By what comes out of your mouth
Then it sure looks to me like being straight
Is all it's about
It looks like being hated
For all the wrong things
Like chasing the wind
While the pendulum swings

'Cause we can talk and debate
Till we're blue in the face
About the language and tradition
That He's coming to save
And meanwhile we sit
Just like we don't have give a shit about
Fifty thousand people who are dying today

Literalism

2010-09-05T17:28:00.000-07:00

"Literal truth is a superficial truth; literalism is preoccumpied with superficial truths. I am preoccumpied with the deep truths in the Bible; and the deep truths of the Bible are the human condition in relationship to God. That's it."

Rev. Dr. Susan Thistlethwaite
President and Professor of Theology at Chicago Theological Seminary

better eggs

2010-09-03T22:18:00.000-07:00

Hubby and I have successfully stayed off of hormones in our milk products, lotions and soaps with chemicals, and for the most part, drinks in plastic bottles.

The other health switch we've made for the past few months is with our eggs. This is mostly me, because I'm mostly the one who eats eggs in our house. We've been either buying eggs fresh from the farmer at the market (like San Clemente Sunday street farmer's market) or buying locally produced, hormone-free, cage-free eggs at Trader Joes or Henrys.

I don't know how the decision is impacting our health, but I know the first time I paid $4 for a dozen eggs from one of these sources, there was a huge taste difference.

We're still working on local, sustainable meat purchasing. This one has been a little harder. I make the occasional stop at the El Toro Meat Market, but aside from this venue, I don't know where else to buy it. Plus the price still makes me cringe a little.

the Comfort Zone

2010-07-25T21:03:00.000-07:00

I've recently found myself searching "Francis Chan" on youtube and watching one after another after another of the videos that come up. I read his book, Crazy Love, which is how I became familiar with him. I don't think who he is matters too much, he's more or less a pastor from a church in Simi Valley. I'm hugely skeptical of both Christians and Christian churches (even though I try to follow progressive Christianity and am active in a local Christian church), and the reason I agreed to read Chan's book is that, if Christianity Today magazine can be trusted, Chan doesn't take a salary from his church, donates most of his book royalties to a non-profit org that rescues sex slaves, lives in an old trac home and drives an old car. I generally feel that people who don't make money from their preaching are more trustworthy than those that do.

The reason I am skeptical of a lot of church-going people and a lot of churches is because from what I know of Christ's life, the handful of people I know that I would say live the closest to the way Christ lived are not Christian. A few of them are even atheists. It's really difficult for me to reconcile the dichotomy: Christians are the least Christian people I know (including myself!) and the most Christian people I know aren't trying to follow Christ at all.

Churches, and most church-going people I know (including me a lot of the time) seem to be so image-driven. As in, more concerned about the image they portray to the world than the way they actually are. More concerned with outcomes than with rights and wrongs. Also, we always seem so concerned with being comfortable and secure and sheltered.

Chan calls Christians out. He preaches a risky Christianity, teaching that in order to follow Christ, sometimes we have to do things that make us less comfortable, that put our security at risk, that takes us away from the shelter of our self-created comfort zone and puts us places that "the church" usually says we shouldn't go (because it might harm our image, what would people think?).

His message, which he supports Biblically, is that sometimes our pre-conceived notions of the American good-life is not the life God set as our example. He's not saying we should be martyrs, or justify making stupid decisions just for the sake of risk, he's just saying that if your life is constantly easy, and all your decisions are based on what is best for you in the moment, you probably aren't living the Way. In our society, this often has to do directly with materialism - we're the wealthiest people in the world, constantly working to be wealthier and wealthier in the name of "security" and "creating the good life for our families."

Proverbs 23:4 "Do not wear yourself out to get rich."
Proverbs 30:8-9 "Give me neither poverty nor wealth....lest I be full and deny you."
Matthew 6:19 "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth."

I stand convicted...

What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us: Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman

2010-06-11T20:18:00.000-07:00

This is the book I just finished by Danielle Crittenden. It was published in 1999 so it's over a decade now, but I was completely captured by it - couldn't put it down. I've read a few other reviews of the books, and it seems to be either praised by right-wing conservative religious women or slammed by liberal working secular women....but to me it was actually a happy moderate in between the two. Granted she makes a few points that are absolutely conservative to a T, but the main take-away from her writings is that feminism is meant to give women CHOICE, and that in our liberal post-ERA generation, the pendulum has swung as far away from the 1950s housewife model of women's society as possible, leaving women in a place where they must work and must not rely on a man and must not have too many children - even if they want to be housewife or rely on a husband or have a lot of children while young - i.e. we're still in a place where we don't have choices, now what's chosen for us is simply different than what was chosen for us in the 1950s.

Granted she takes a lot of liberty to speak in large generalities, drawing on outdated and modern stereotypes alike, but at the end of the day, she has a point. Now I can kind of see both sides of the coin, because although I was raised in the 1980s (the exact generation Crittenden is addressing), I got mixed signals about womens' roles:

*At school, I was very gifted intellectually and was constantly told by teachers, counselors and principals that I could exceed all limits, be anything I wanted to be, have an amazing career, cure cancer, be president, yada yada yada. I don't know if they still teach that lie in schools (you can be anything and everything you set your mind to), but they sure did when I was a kid.

*My mom was a huge proponent of marriage and children and moms staying home, but at the same time taught me that it was very important that I get a solid education and have a career available to me, so that I had the choice to get out of a bad marriage should I ever find myself in that position, or so that if anything ever happened to my husband, I could support my children. I was never taught that I needed to work after having my education completed, just that completing was very important.

*I always scored incredibly high in reading comprehension, math and science sections of standardized tests (99th percentile). I distinctly remember that the times my dad would express the most pride in me was when I would bring home high scores in math. His career was math-based and he was always happy to have girls who were very good at math. This led me to dream of careers in math from a very young age, and I always had my own sense of pride at being good at math.

*In my family's peer groups it wasn't uncommon for girls to marry by 20 and have babies immediately thereafter, even in the 1990s. I have a poignant "misfit" memory of being in a Sunday School class of about 10 girls, and having the teacher ask us what we wanted to be when we grew up. I answered first (don't remember what stage it was, my answer would have been statistician or engineer or college professor or politician). Every other girl proceeded to say she either wanted to be a "mother" or a "teacher, if I need to work, but I'll be a mother first." No one said anything about my answer, but I remember being slightly embarrassed and feeling like I didn't fit in.

*My mom's mom worked full time in the 1950s when my mom was a kid, and my mom never mentioned this fondly. She hated it.

*I really admired one of the ladies in our church that was a doctor.

*Up until a couple of years ago I honestly had no desire to have children. I didn't play with dolls as a kid, I didn't dream about being a mom.

So, you get the idea, I had mixed signals growing up.

Essentially, Crittenden describes this angst between career and family life and proposes several complex relationships between this paradox, and womens' decisions to be more sexually liberal, to pursue career first and family second, to delay marriage and children, and/or to remain completely single and independent their whole lives. She doesn't suggest returning to women being at home barefoot in the kitchen with no education, but rather suggests we have things out of order. That perhaps it is still best to marry younger and have kids younger, when we are less cynical and more energetic and able to keep up with kids. Have a couple kids by 25, their in school by 30, at which point we could return to grad school and start careers once our kids need us less. By 35 we'd be contribution to society like we want to be, with no need for interruptions and stress from having babies. As it is now, the trend seems to be to spend 5-10 years developing a career, dropping out or at least "off-ramping" for 5-6 years to have a couple of kids, and then trying to get back in the game, only finding our peers are now several years ahead of us - making more, bigger titles, etc etc.

Granted this is a rather weak analysis on my part of a 200 page book, and the book itself is based on ideals and stereotypes...but still, she has a point. Who is encouraging girls that if they want to grow up to be moms and wives first, and career women second, that it's ok (aside from mormons and evangelical christians, of course....)? Not that they HAVE TO feel that way, but that they have that choice.

On the one hand I fear that this book is really a more intelligent way of presenting ideas that are really Dr Laura in disguise (I can't stand Dr Laura), in which case I would want to profess to hate the book and find it offensive. Unfortunately for me, I actually related to it on a very emotional and surprisingly acute level. I'd like to say I wish I'd read it 5 years ago, but I wouldn't have understood it (didn't want a family yet, was totally career focused) and would have thrown it out. I know several female coworkers that would connect to the ideas presented as deeply as I did, so even if I am antifeminist in saying I loved this book, I know I'm not the only one!

2 blogs

2010-05-21T20:16:00.000-07:00

So I have been thinking about why I have two blogs now. And I realized if I am totally honest with myself, it is because of this: I created this blog mainly as an outlet to vent about crazy religious issues I encounter at least several times a week because of the family and community I exist in without belonging to. At the time I had just moved to CA and was shocked at all the craziness in my new family (I say that in an "I love them so much though" type of way). It quickly became a place where I also talked about my life in general. After several years, it was becoming too intertwined, where I felt like I needed to censor myself to avoid offending family and friends who now knew the blog existed, but were still active in the religious activity that I often times find to be crazy (as in illogical or against my personal thought processes which seem rational to me).

At first this realization bothered me, because it felt like a more sophisticated form of censoring. One blog for my deep side, one blog for my "photo, weekend, look how fun life is la la la" side. Is this just a complex form of not being true to myself?

I have decided it isn't quite that bad. See, the thing that drives me the most crazy is when friends and family make inclusive statements ("...and of course that person's behavior is uncalled for, since we know that the prophet says ____...."), or statements that are meant as black and white fact ("you should vote like this, because such-and-such scripture says this...."), or emotional statements that imply agreement ("isn't it so great that so-and-so came back to our church"), which make me feel like I need to either A) not say anything and feel slightly uneasy or B) disagree and feel like I've been forced to be confrontational when I really don't want to be.

That is why I have 2 blogs now. So that when I am annoyed, exasperated, confused, or just need to vent about whatever crazy thing happened to me in a way that would likely cause friends and family in more religious communities to A) not say anything and feel slightly uneasy or B) disagree and feel like they've been forced to be confrontational when they really don't want to be, I do it here. People that don't want to know my thoughts and opinions about religion and other either controversial and/or deep topics that usually somehow tie back to religion or religious culture can avoid my thoughts here altogether. I don't mean that in a way to censor myself, simply to respect others in a way that I am usually not respected.

8

2010-05-01T10:58:00.000-07:00

Ryan and I saw a couple of documentaries at the Newport Beach Film Festival. Both impacted me - one environmentally and one politically/religiously. I feel like writing about the latter here.

The film, which debuted at this year's Sundance Film Festival, was 8: The Mormon Proposition. It is, in the most simple description, an expose on the tactics the Mormon church used to "head-up" the Yes on 8 campaign while at the same time trying to stay out of the media spotlight - i.e. trying to avoid being the center of what the liberal-leaning media painted (fairly, in my opinion) as a negative, hateful, regressive campaign.

On one side, I find that the more centralized power any given organized religion has (or any type of group, for that matter, not just religion), the more sneaky, corrupt, repulsive tactics it seems to be prone to use in order to get its way. I like working for a regional company rather than global corporate conglomerate for this reason. And I like participating in a small, locally-run-and-managed church for this reason. And, despite my actions that sometimes state otherwise, I do prefer shopping at small, locally-run businesses for this reason as well. So on that level, it shouldn't surprise anyone - LDS members and nonmembers alike - that there is corruption in the government of the church.

That said, on the other side, I still marvel at the staggering amounts of people's time, money and energy that can so quickly be gathered and organized by huge churches, political groups, and governments. More often than not, the cause that is being organized for is wrong (although it's generally white-washed to appear more moral than it is), but even then, I can't help but be in awe of how powerful these organizations seem to be. And their power to make their unethical "plays in game" invisible, or at least defensible in some twisted way.

The most surprising revelation to me in the documentary was how "behind the scenes" the Mormon church attempted to stay. Second to that was how removed the organization stays from the harmful side effects of they way they have historically marginalized and sometimes mistreated gays and lesbians. I have a lot more respect for large organizations, even when I disagree with their positions, when they are willing to stand at the frontline and say "this is our stance, come hell or highwater," and then reap the consequences of public opinion because of it, no matter what those consequences are. Likewise, I have a lot more respect for large organizations that say "Hey, our actions have caused some negative consequences (like highest depression rates, or having the highest suicide rates in men aged 15-24).

I came away from the movie realizing that in campaigns that concern me, I need to do a better job of finding out who is behind the organizations we see on the TV commercials, and where the money is coming from. I also came away from it feeling very sad about the lives that were damaged, and loving people that were hurt deeply, so that my marriage (male-female) can remain elite for no good reason aside from not offending someone else's sense of morality.

rBGH & rBST

2010-04-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

rBGH and rBST - Bovine Somatotropin - a hormone given to cows to increase their milk production 11-16%. Also causes a 40% fertility reduction.

There are some links between these hormones and breast, colon and prostate cancer. Use of it also requires increased use of antibiotics in the cows.

The main producer of this hormone, up against trends of consumers purchasing rBGH and rBST free milk, is lobbying the government to ban the distinguishment of milk that does and doesn't use these hormones. Also there is suspicion that they have tried to cover up negative human health impact from these hormones.

It is banned for use in Japan, Australia, New Zealand, the European Union and Canada.

So, the main milk product I eat is yogurt. Turns out greek yogurt, in addition to having less sugar, is easy to find in rBGH and rBST free versions. So I've switched from my regular Yoplait to Voskos:

Ben & Jerrys, Starbucks and all European products (i.e. cheese) don't use products with these hormones. Not sure I can give up Golden Spoon/Yogurtland. But seeing as I eat yogurt for breakfast 4-5 times per week, switching that up first is a good step in the right direction.

drinks

2010-04-18T14:27:00.001-07:00

I love my flavored diet lipton teas and fuse drinks, both bottled in #1 plastic bottles (which are Polyethylene terephthalate plastic, aka PETE). For regular water, we switched to SIGG bottles a while ago (although we did have to return them during the recall because apparently they were leaching BPA too, so I guess nothing is truly safe) for regular drinking water, but I still indulge in the tea and fuse drinks several times a week.

In 2009, the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences published an article that suggested further studies are needed on whether or not this type of plastic, which is approved in the US for consumer use, may leach various phthalates (remember, one of Sandra Steingraber's listed endocrine disruptors). We decided why wait for further research, let's just stop now. Especially since heat appears to enhance the leaching effect.

So, we're switching to glass bottles.

It's a little more expensive in the short run (will be less expensive if it helps avoid potential health problems) but a better choice all around. Plus I'm more likely to drink water a little more often and save these for treats since I don't view them as quite so "disposable" due to them being a little more expensive. And, when we go to the beach etc, we can just pour the drink in our Sigg bottles (which are hopefully safe now?) to avoid hauling heavy and breakable glass around.

As an added bonus, the brand of tea shown above, which we really like, doesn't have the artificial sweeteners that my previous plastic-bottled drinks had, which is probably something else I'm going to work on giving up this summer.

self-tanning

2010-04-18T13:59:00.000-07:00

Why I'm giving up one of my favorite products, which is also the reason you haven't had to see how white my legs are during the winter for a long time:

Ingredients I probably don't want absorbed into my body...
BHP - Controversial as to whether it is safe or not, but some studies have show it is possibly a carcinogen, and some food industrusties have voluntarily removed it to do potential risk.

Methylparaben - when applied on the skin, it react with UVB rays in such a way that it increases skin aging and DNA damage. Also it is a paraben, which is possibly a factor in breast cancer. There have been no conclusive studies that have led to regulation, but why take the risk anyway?

DMDM hydantoin - works as a preservative by releasing formaldehyde

Propylparaben - preservative

So, nothing that is absolutely unhealthy, but like I said why take the risk. Plus it comes in a plastic bottle that I then throw away. I'm still trying to navigate consumer research on plastic, which is difficult because there is so much information and so many different types and uses of plastic, but the environmental impact is an added bonus to give it up. And at $7-8/per month,this is close to $100 savings a year. :-)

PS: I know I need to consider the rest of my make-up, lotions, etc - but one thing at a time :-)

environment

2010-04-18T13:39:00.000-07:00

I'd be lying if I said that I'm passionate about saving the planet. As much as we try - and even though one of us works for the Surfrider Foundation - it's SO much easier to be wasteful and flippant in our consumption, and mother earth has unfortunately not been a large enough motivation for us to make any long-term changes to our lifestyle.

But, as I've mentioned vaguely before, we've been dealing with some fertility issues that have caused us to take a more particular interest in our health for the past 18 months or so.

Long story short, in January I was introduced to the works of Sandra Steingraber, a woman who has made the study of environmental factors impacting cancer her life-long work. She piqued my interest through a paper she wrote, which I saw referenced in a magazine I was reading, called "The Health Effects of Endocrine Disruptors on the Growth and Development of Children," in which she explores the relationship between endocrine disruptors (chemicals interfering with the body's hormonal signals) such as phthalates, PCBs and DDT, which are possibly linked to decreasing fertility rates and decreasing ages of puberty in girls in developed nations. (The link is actually a 30 minute video of her presenting her paper, and she is a good speaker - interesting to listen to.)

This got me thinking about the possibility that our own fertility issues may be impacted, among other things, by the chemicals we use and consume in our home. That idea has provided me more motivation to take a closer look at what we use at home than the health of the environment has.

Busy season prevented me from further research and action, as working to change your lifestyle takes a significant amount of energy and time. With April here and my scheduling freeing up a bit for the next several months, I'm going to document some of our changes here, which will undoubtedly take many months. I've managed to incorporate a few changes already, ones that were easy to make during busy season, and will start sharing soon....

Sparrow

2010-04-17T16:13:00.000-07:00

The Sparrow
by Bethany Reid

What could the Bible mean
when it says no sparrow falls
without God's notice?
They do fall.
"The Bible" - that's too impersonal.
It was some writer of the New Testament,
some Hebrew poet turned Christian
who chose sparrow, a metaphor
for the least things, the small
and innumerable mouths
at the breast of the world.
Maybe our poet had a daughter who carried to him
in her cupped hands a baby sparrow.
Maybe they tried to keep it alive
on sugar water and cat food,
and when they failed, he wept,
not knowing how to teach a child
that life is worth the trouble, and the grief.
This morning, at our house,
the sparrow hopped in his shoe box, chirping,
and my daughter leaned over him,
her hair the same brown as his feathers.
"He thinks I'm his mom," she told me.
I am her mom. When the baby sparrow dies,
I'm the one she brings him to,
the life now seeped from him,
his body no more than a clod of dirt.
Black beads of his eyes dulled.
Wings stilled. Feet stiff as twigs.
We bury him in the backyard
beside the old cat and a mole we found last fall.
God only knows
why commending his body to the earth
should comfort us,
but it does.

Diagnosis

2010-04-06T20:56:00.000-07:00

This is the best explanation for the current real-estate-related-recession that I've heard to date, courtesy of Sy Safransky:

"We're all crowded into the hospital corridor, waiting for word about the ailing economy. No, it doesn't look good: vital signs worse each day, internal bleeding, liver and kidney functions starting to shut down. Do you remember, someone whispers, when she started partying all night with those subprime lenders, then began gulping down credit-swap derivatives as if they were vitamins? Of course the hospital staff has seen it all before. The U.S. economy seems addicted to these periodic cycles of boom and bust. Let's face it: collectively we're like some hopeless romantic who moves from one affair to another (the junk-bond bubble, the dot-com bubble, the mortgage-backed-securities bubble), always in love at the beginning - what's not to love? - and always in despair at the end. Eventually we rise from the ashes, sweep them under the rug, vow never to make the same mistake again - and, after a suitable period of mourning, fling open the windows and start flirting with the new neighbor, who looks like a million bucks."

Hope

2010-03-06T21:56:00.000-08:00

"Hope keeps the future open. we have all had those moments, sacred moments, when hope breaks through and fear disappears. Those brief moments of silence. Something happens when the sacred erupts into our lives, when we encounter the world through awe and wonder. The catch of breath, the inner smile, the pause before opening a book or placing the dinner plates on the table....something happens. A message arrives. It says that you can change, that together everyone can change; we can solve our problems, and life can get better."

-Frances Lee Menlove

I've found myself lacking in this phenomenon lately, I suppose I have let life get the best of me...that's why I felt very excited, when I read this quote, at the thought that it is almost summer. Spring is wasted on me because I work too much this time of year to notice that spring even exists, but summer is something I look forward to.

Murderous Heart

2010-01-30T18:15:00.000-08:00

In 2006, I read an article that has stayed with me ever since. Ken Driggs had spent 25 years as a public defender, mainly working to defend criminals the punishment phase of a capital case, when the criminal has already been found guilty, and the jury must decide whether the sentence should be death. His article deals with the Biblical parable of the talents. Through observations about those he has defended, he shows how we will be judged on what we were given in life (1 talent, 5 talents, 10 talents representing different amounts of knowledge, different types of experiences, etc. In "Reflections of a Public Defender," Driggs compares his own life to the lives of those he has defended, saying:

"God has given me a great deal - a good family, a good mind, all the educational advantages one can have, the ability to serve and make good, gospel-directed decisions. I am not poor, I am not stupid, I am not hungry, I have never been abused, I have never suffered racism, I have never wanted for anything. I live in the wealthiest, most privileged society in the world....

...I recognize that many of my clients have done terrible things to other people and to themselves, they have often been so disadvantaged...."

Ken says that because of this discrepency, he expects his own judgement to be harsher than his clients', even though they have probably committed "worse" crimes/sins than he has. He acknowledges that many of his clients, although they have done terrible things, have "risen a long way from their beginnings." He concludes that the thing he is sure of is that "we are not born into this life as equals" and that he is "not prepared to judge others," pointing out that those who find it easiest to pass judgement are probably the worst choices to actually do so.

Recently, I finished a book called Half the Sky, which delves into world of women born into poverty, sex slavery, abusive cultures; lacking opportunities to make decisions for themselves, become educated, or even survive. Hearing the stories of these women, who never have the luxury of worrying about what men they will have relationships with (decided for them), what they should do for their career (not a possibility), how they will afford a house (never dream of upgrading from their shack), whether they are being held back by a "glass ceiling" (the men in their lives are more likely to rape and beat them, then hold them back professionally)...of course, I once again found myself thinking about Drigg's article, and the vast differences between my starting point in life, and other womens' starting points in life.

Rather than reflecting on the parable of the talents, however, I found myself reflecting on several verses that have always bothered me because they seem unfair and seem to convict those of us that have never actually done anything seriously wrong:

Matthew 5:21-22, 27-28 NASB

You have heard that the ancients were told, "You shall not commit murder," and "Whosoever commits murder shall be liabile to the court." But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court; and whoever says to his brother, "You good-for-nothing!" shall be guilty before the courts, and whoever says "You fool" shall be guilty enough to go to the fiery hell.

You have heard that it was said "You shall not commit adultry," but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultry with her in his heart.

Harsh, right? Essentially Christ is saying that if I get mad at my sister and say something insulting to her, my crime is equivalent to another person who has actually murdered her sister. How does this even begin to be just?

In light of Drigg's article and Half the Sky, I no longer think that Christ was trying to say that yelling an insult is the equivalent of murder. I think what he was saying is:

"Look, you were born to a good family, where you learned good manners and good habits, and had every opportunity and happiness imaginable. You have received so much love from all the people that are supposed to love you. You were born with a healthy body and a healthy mind, no emotional disorders, and proper hormone balances. Of course you would never murder someone, it isn't in your biological makeup and you've never encountered an experience where literally murdering someone would even cross your mind.

But come on! You had that much anger in your heart toward someone who offended you in such a trivial way? Someone that you are supposed to love, and do? You yelled hurtful insults because you were upset over such a stupid thing? If you get so upset over such immaterial occurances, who's to say that if you had been into an abusive family, where you learned to be violent, where you were hungry and never sure you would survive - if you had biological chemical imbalances and genetic predisposition toward emotional disorders, if you never had a good example of how to deal with problems - who's to say that the anger you feel in your heart now wouldn't be murder, if your experiences and opportunities were different? Who's to say that if your starting point had been different, that the irrational anger you are acting on now with your insults, wouldn't be something far worse?

So stop getting so high and mighty about the fact that you've never killed anyone, and you've never cheated on your spouse. You may think that it's because you are better than those who have, but who's to say that it's not largely due to cirumstances that had nothing to do with your own choices?"

The point is not that calling insults is the equivalent of murder. The point is that although a portion of our actions are dependent on our own free will, there is another portion of our actions that are depending on things completely out of our control.

As Driggs said in the final paragraphs of his article, he is not attempting to argue that "dangerous individuals should be set free among us," but that "not all humans have the same range of choices," and that we can't judge others, or even ourselves, because we usually do not have the perspective to know what anyone's potential or limitations really is - "I am not prepared to judge others. The human condition, what blessings and burdens we carry in this mortal sphere, are far too complex for my puny mind to sort through."

Splitting Up

2010-01-18T15:20:00.000-08:00

I've decided my "writing" blog and my "life" blog need to split up. It bothers me having both of them on the same site. When I started this blog it was generally more pensive, with essay-ish pieces and stream-of-consciousness writings about my favorite topics of religion, spirituality, movies, culture, books, and relationships. All of that type of stuff is going to stay here.

It morphed into a picture-sharing, recipe-logging, "this is what we did over the weekend" type blog; with the actual writing falling by the wayside. I want to pick the writing back up, but I still like the pictures and recipes and sharing.

So, the "this is what I do in my life", more casual blog, is going here (http://ryanandelise.blogspot.com). This will be my cutesy (for lack of a better word), quick-read, update-on-our-life blog and I'll probably update it more often, since it's easier for me to write a 1-paragraph entry than a page or two. I've transferred my pictures & recipes & life-updates to the Ryan & Elise blog.

I'll keep my longer writings on this one.

Marriage

2010-01-09T14:42:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately, mostly because two people I'm close to have been getting divorced...one finalized last year and one in process. This blog isn't about either of them though, it's just about my own thoughts on marriage.

I think marriage is over-romanticized in the more conservative part of America. It's the "you complete me" idea, the generally accepted tenet that "every little girl grows up planning her wedding day", and in the culture I grew up in, the "deified marriage" belief that marriage is the end-all, be-all means to salvation and eternal life.

It would probably help kids (especially girls) get a better grip on reality if we had been taught that there are pros and cons to marriage - because there are. There are some benefits to staying single for your whole life. We should be more open about the fact that families come in all different shapes and sizes and types. Also that some people's passion is not another person - some people devote their lives to medical progression or human rights activisim or large-scale leadership, and may decide they'd rather be "married" to those things, rather than to another person. When someone who would rather be married to their job or their studies also marries another person, it can bring a lot of heartache to the family - I think it is totally acceptable to say "I'm not willing to devote the time and energy to another person needed for a grounded relationship; I'd rather spend my life trying to cure cancer."

Also people get married WAY WAY WAY too young. I can say this because I did it too - I was only 22 when I got married, which is absolutely absurd. A couple of close friends told me it was absurd at the time, but I did it anyway. I happen to be lucky, because the person I married turned out to be a great guy that I still am deeply in love with, but people change SO much in their 20s. Also we're both incredibly adaptable and tolerant people and don't have a lot of "deal-breaking" points of view (otherwise our young marriage could have been disastrous). Ryan could change his religion or political point-of-view or career and I would more likely than not, be able to adapt. Not that people don't change later in life, but in my limited experience, it seems like most people have a much better idea of themselves and their values at 30 than they did at 20.

There's something to be said for "sowing your wild oats" or "getting things out of your system" before getting married (for both men and women). I'm not saying be irresponsible, I'm just saying that most of us learn the most important life lessons, which shape the adults we become, the hard way - by making mistakes and doing stupid things. My 20s have been full of that, once again I'm simply lucky that none of the stupid things I've done in the past 5 years have killed my relationship with Ryan. And I do think I will do less stupid things as I get older, because the foundation of "self" I'm building helps me have more integrity and make choices that are better in line with what I want out of life.

Our laws are written to indicate that we don't trust someone under the age of 21 with alcohol, why in the world would we trust them to make a life-time partnership contract with another person?

Anyhow, I guess what I'm saying is I have a very secular view of marriage - I don't think it is good for every one (which is what I was taught as a kid) and I think that it is possible (and preferable for some people) to build a fulfilling life with either a committed (but not married) partner or no partner at all. I just think people in general would be less likely to have their fairy-tale views of marriage shattered, and more likely to put more time into the decision, if we didn't over-romanticize things so much.

Women in the World

2010-01-05T21:28:00.000-08:00

My sister-in-law gave me this incredible, stomach-turning, must-read book for Christmas:

Half the Sky

Every woman should read this.

Every man who loves his mother, sister, aunt, girlfriend, grandma, wife, or daughter should read this.

Christmas 2009

2009-12-22T22:31:00.000-08:00

This Christmas has been pretty exhausting for me, I've had a hard time getting into the season. To be completely honest, it's because I really thought I would be pregnant this Christmas and I'm not, which kind of dampered the joy of the holiday.

But, I got to see my parents this month and now I get to hang out with Ryan's family all week, which is fun. So I shouldn't complain too much.

And I am really, really excited about the gift I got Ryan.

Blogging

2009-12-08T21:43:00.000-08:00

My life has been too busy, exhausting, complicated and fun to blog much lately. But I've been itching to get back so maybe I'll post some Seattle Thanksgiving pics soon.

life-changing

2009-11-15T20:17:00.000-08:00

The death of these two men and this man changed me. Or perhaps I should say the lives of these men, before they died, changed me. The realization that life is short, and the many things they did with theirs', is difficult to deal with.

We're thinking about Josh a lot tonight, but whenever I can't think of him, I can't help but remember the other two as well. I'm sad and happy at the same time.

Freedom

2009-10-26T21:33:00.000-07:00

I'm reading this fantastic book called "The Reason for God" by Timothy Keller and have about 100 quotes I want to share...

My favorite section so far is on freedom, and is essentially an apologetic defense against the idea that Christianity limits personal growth, potential, and freedom to choose because of its constraints on a person's beliefs and daily practices. I like the section for its relevance independent of the apologetic argument though - the ideas he expresses are generally applicable without any type of religious attachment.

Essentially, we usually think of freedom as the absence of any type of confinement or constraint. He goes on to argue that confinement and constraint are actually what leads us to liberation - i.e. freedom. He gives an example of a person practicing piano for years and years, which places limitations (since the person gives up the freedom to do other things with the time spent practicing), but in doing so, unleashes an ability to be musically creative and accomplished - a freedom that very few can achieve without first placing on themselves the confinement of practicing. "You've deliberately lost your freedom to engage in some things in order to release yourself to a richer kind of freedom to accomplish other things."

He then gives discusses the way many people in our society give up their time and energy for things that don't bring freedom - in this case, still placing constraints on themselves, but not for the purposes of achieving a greater freedom. "In our society, many people have worked extremely hard to pursue careers that pay well rather than fit their talents and interests. Such careers are straitjackets that in the long run stifle and dehumanize us."

"Disciplines and constraints, then, liberate us only when they fit with the reality of our nature and capacities. A fish, because it absorbs oxygen from water rather than air, is only free if it is restricted and limited to water. If we put it out on the grass, its freedom to move and even live is not enhanced, but destroyed. The fish dies if we do not honor the reality of its nature."

"In many areas of life, freedom is not so much the absence of restrictions as finding the right ones, the liberating restrictions."

He then goes on to discuss the way relationships with others restrict us in a way that is actually freeing, just like the piano practicing...

Anyhow, really good book. I don't have the mental energy right now to do more than publish massive quotes like those above, but hopefully someone else finds it interesting too. :-)

The Good Life

2009-10-15T21:58:00.000-07:00

I've always had this lust for doing a lot of things....you could call it a thirst for experience I suppose, except for I tend to do so much that I don't "experience" as much as I just check it off a list. That's the problem with bucket lists and to-do lists - the lists themselves become the goal rather than the things in them.

Anyhow, I'm kind of tired of things to do every weeknight, plans every weekend, project after project, and rushing to do too many things.

I think I'm moving into a phase of life where I want things to be more simple. I want to do less, but do with more intention and higher quality.

Right now I'm thinking the good life isn't so much about experiencing every lovely thing this world has to offer.

The good life is this:

And this:

And maybe a little vino on the side. :-)

That's enough for me tonight, this weekend, next month, and hopefully for many, many years to follow.

Tomato Memories...or Crying Over Pasta Sauce

2009-10-04T20:27:00.001-07:00

Tomatoes were on a great sale at Ralphs this week so I picked up about six pounds and set out to make a huge batch of homemade tomato sauce. I've only made it once before, but it turned out great the last time and I didn't have any leftovers so I figured I'd make a bunch and freeze it.

As I started making it, I suddenly remembered one of the reasons I didn't have any leftovers last time. About the time the sauce had been simmering for a couple of hours, Ryan's best friend Josh called out-of-the-blue. He and his then-fiance were in Orange County for some reason (they lived in Lake Elsinore) and asked if they could stop by. I threw some pasta on the stove and by the time they got there, the sauce was just finishing and they sat down and had dinner with us. If I remember right, Josh was on some low-carb thing but he ate a little of my pasta anyways just so he could try my homemade sauce! He was that kind of a guy. They ended up staying for several hours and we had a great time. It was one of those fun spontaneous evenings that you never forget.

When this memory hit me tonight, I all of a sudden felt downhearted and my mood turned into something quite melancholy...the reason being that I know this time, we won't have Josh & Lisa as spontaneous visitors. I wrote a blog post 2 years ago about the first batch of tomato sauce called "If you make it they will come;" which is rather cheesy I know, but when I found it and read the title, the realization that Josh has been gone for 3 weeks and isn't coming back made me feel very sad.

Ryan's best friend Josh passed away from sudden heart failure on September 15, just a few weeks shy of his 30th birthday and a couple months shy of his first wedding anniversary. It's been an emotionally trying few weeks and Ryan and I - especially Ryan - have found ourselves exhausted. I didn't realize that grief could be exhausting until this experience.

Josh will always live on in our hearts at the type of person who would eat my home-made pasta even if he hadn't eaten carbs for weeks, because he was more interested in the childish excitement I had over making it from scratch than he was in his diet. Josh was one of the most trustworthy men I've met and was, by far, the most loyal person I know. He has been a constant in Ryan's life for two decades and loved people in a way that not very many adults are capable of.

Biblical Literalism...

2009-09-23T18:09:00.001-07:00

Thanks Ted
This is really funny, but in an intelligent, serious way...

Government

2009-09-08T21:40:00.000-07:00

In listening to someone's response to Obama's "study hard and stay in school" speech today, I was most fascinated by the statement that Obama is just like Hitler (i.e. he is trying to take our children). Rather than brush the accusation off as hullabaloo, I decided to do some objective research to give the theory a fair chance.

Turns out it's true. Obama is just like Hitler. I suppose I should be worried since I'm married to someone who loves Germany and voted for Obama....and I don't have blue eyes...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Obama and Hitler

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Healthcare Protests

Religion

2009-09-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

A comment on mindonfire led me to a wikipedia site on James Strang, where I found this beautiful description of the purpose of life:

"Strang wrote that of all things that God could give to man, He could never give him experience. Thus, if "free agency" were to be real, said Strang, humanity must be given the opportunity to fail and to learn from its own mistakes. The ultimate goal for each human being was to willingly conform oneself to the 'revealed character' of God in every respect, preferring good to evil not out of a fear of punishment or any desire for reward, but rather solely 'on account of the innate loveliness of undefiled goodness; of pure unalloyed holiness.' "

I love this because it takes the focus off personal reward and seems to hint more at community, in the sense that it values above all else the innate loveliness of undefiled goodness....sounds like poetry to me.

Family Propositions

2009-09-01T13:49:00.000-07:00

If we can put propositions on the ballot limiting a person's right to marry, we should also put propositions on the ballot limiting a person's right to reproduce. You can't argue that same-sex marriage is going to harm kids and then tell me that being born as child #19 to a male-female couple isn't going to harm kids just as much, if not more. Just sayin'......

Creativity in Religion

2009-08-30T15:39:00.000-07:00

The opening session at Sunstone was called "The Achievements and Ironies of Women's Religious Creativity", presented by Mary Farrell Bednarowski, a professor of religious studies at United Theological Seminary in the Twin Cities.

I found what she said to be interested but fairly abstract, and therefore somewhat difficult to summarize. The basic message I got was that religion (similar to other types of communities) is really a vast arrangement of creativity, and that acting & participating within religion always requires the exercise of one's personal creativity. Although this idea may cause fear to those who see religion as given and set, and who would interpret creativity in the context of religion as "invoking imagination" and thereby rendering religion "false"; creativity within religion actually pushes religion forward to the next generation, revitalizing both important rituals and symbols. This means that religion will change form as humanity progresses and changes, but Mary argued that it will not change so much that it becomes unrecognizable to its community or disappears completely. Religion has self-renewing energy that is fueled by the creativity of its participants.

I found myself thinking about a book I read after a professor of religion from USC spoke at IUCC. Jim Burklo, author of "Birdlike and Barnless: Meditations, Prayers, and Songs for Progressive Christians", came to my mind as someone who embraces the beauty of creativity within Christianity. An example of his creativity can be read online in his article, "Who is Your Jesus", discusses the way early Christians shaped the image of Jesus after his death through their powerful insights, progressive ideas, and boundary-breaking positive values that, while they may have been inspired by the teachings and life of Jesus, were most definitely not his direct thoughts. Jim ends his article with an invitation to creativity for modern followers of faith:

Who is your Jesus? What does he look like, for you? What is he saying, in the context of the world that surrounds you? How does he interpret the old messages attributed to him, for current circumstances? What does he have to say for our time about warfare, medical ethics, sexual morality, and economic justice? What would he do, how would he act, how would he change the world today? Can you envision his mannerisms and expressions, the winks of his eyes and the chuckles between his phrases? Can you see him mixing with people around you now? How does he fit in, or stand out? Just what kind of character is Jesus - for you, for today?

Similar to the way Bob Rees's imaginative re-telling of the story of the Prodigal Son personalized the parable in a way that touched me even more deeply than the Biblical version I'd heard countless times before, the creativity discussed by Mary Bednarowski and encouraged by Jim Burlko reminds me again why imaginative personalized spirituality can be so much more beautiful that organized religious bureaucracies. Maybe the Biblical call to become like little children is meant to remind adults of enchanting way we used our imaginations in childhood to personalize the world around us and dream up solutions to big problems, without regard to "impossibility" or even "that's too hard".

Time Traveler

2009-08-26T21:04:00.001-07:00

I saw the Time Traveler's Wife tonight. Cried the last 20 minutes of the movie and most of the way home. The story reminded me of Somewhere In Time, but I actually liked this one better.

On a side note, Eric Bana is really, really, really hot.

Routines

2009-08-23T21:57:00.001-07:00

Ryan and I do not have any regular daily routine to speak of. The time we get up, the time we get home from work, eat dinner, go to bed....it all varies by 2, 3 even 4 hours a day.

I think we would be more productive and spend our time more efficiently if we could stick to a more regular schedule.

Then again, my gut tells me that sporadic days are one of those the many luxuries that disappear when you have a kid, so maybe I should just enjoy it and stop worrying.

Natural Birth Panel

2009-08-20T22:43:00.000-07:00

Another Sunstone session I really enjoyed was a bunch of midwives, doulas, and Bradley Method practicers & teachers discussing why LDS women are so opposed to natural childbirth (well, more so than the average American woman, at least).

Utah state has one of the highest epidural rates on the planet - 95-98% of all deliveries. But it has the lowest C-section rate in the USA - 22% (world health organization recommends no more than 10-15% a healthy target). Over 80% of births are induced, which is the highest rate in the USA.

The panelists argued that LDS women should have the highest rates of natural childbirth, since in the early Utah church days, women were called (i.e. assigned by their religious leaders to take on the responsibility) to be midwives and sent back to the east to be educated as such. Brigham Young told women not to take medicine during childbirth as it would be detrimental to the child.

Panel hypotheses on why LDS women are more opposed to natural childbirth than other American women:

1) They buy into the Christian tradition that suffering in childbirth is God's punishment for Eve's original sin. This Puritan thought-process is accentuated in communities that have patriarchal leanings, where a woman's most significant life choices (where to live, whether to finish college, when to have kids, how many to have) are heavily influenced by men. This translates into the birthing experience being dictated by men, and most men prefer medicated women during childbirth. It's easier. One of the husbands on the panel whose wife had delivered once naturally and once medicated said that on him, the medicated delivery was less exhausting because it required so much less energy on his part. Women who think suffering is God's punishment see men as their saviours in childbirth when medication is offered. It is a blessing from God that he is lifting their suffering.

2) Many LDS women believe medication is a gift from God (side note, Utah has the highest rate of prescription drug abuse in the nation....). They see medical intervention as primarily being developed and administered by men, which may be interpreted as a gift from the patriarchal order of things. Also the general tendency to accept that whatever a man says is good for you, is good for you.

3) Many LDS women feel like they don't have a choice about having a child or not. They obtain artificial empowerment by choosing to control the pain.

4) Women can experience incredible power in childbirth, and many LDS women are afraid of being powerful - or perhaps afraid of following the lead of their own power, because they see powerful women as selfish/wordly and not Godly.

5) LDS women tend to be outcome driven - they want the baby, the strong family, the celestial kingdom - many things in life, including childbirth, become a means to an end instead of a part of the journey.

6) Doctors are in positions of authority, and most American doctors prefer medicated delivery because it is easier on them. Devoutly Christian people, including LDS women, tend to be resistant to questioning any type of authority, including the authority exercised by doctors.

7) The LDS culture generally creates a desire to always present a perfect image. Women in labor are usually not a very pretty image.

8) LDS culture encourages a general avoidance of anything sexual or primal, which is viewed as carnal (carnal = evil). Childbirth, especially natural childbirth, is both sexual and primal.

The panelists concluded that the medical system should be more proactive about empowering women to make educated decisions about their birthing experience, whether they prefer an induced, medicated hospital delivery, a home birth, or anything in between.

"To embrace natural childbirth is to embrace femininity, and to embrace our power, and to embrace those experiences that are unique to our gender and can bring us closer to God." -Becky McInnis

"Natural childbirth is the closest thing a woman can do to create life, which is God-like." -Alyssa Cole

"A birthing room is sacred ground. It is a life-giving place." -Rachel Leavitt

Midrash

2009-08-19T19:37:00.000-07:00

My favorite Sunstone session was Robert Rees's discussion of midrash, which I had never heard of before.

The verb midrashim in Hebrew literally means to study or to investigate something. "Midrash" is a Jewish custom in which one, in order to better interpret and find meaning from the Bible, specifically seeks out not the parts of the Bible that have clear meaning, but rather parts which are very unclear. Then, by placing our own life experiences into the context of the particular scripture, or by taking the background of the scripture and trying to "update" it to fit into our current life experience, we use our imaginations to apply the meaning in such a way that it touches and teaches in a more intimate way.

As an example, Robert discussed the brief mention of the story of Dinah in Genesis, and how the whole story of her "defilement" (rape? consensual sex? unknown....) is focused on the rage of her brothers and their longing for revenge. A midrash interpretation of the story would be to tell it from Dinah's point of view, imagining how a woman in her shoes would feel and act while still trying to maintain the original message of the story.

In taking ownership of stories in this way, "we are not at the mercy of our traditions, we are responsible for them."

Robert went on to share a midrash he wrote, which tells the story of the Prodigal Son from the perspective of a mother and her two daughters (instead of a father and his two sons). He took writer's liberty of the parts that weren't essential to the story line (the way the house looked, the weather, the time of day, the types of food at the feast) but that I found very important when it came to connecting with the characters. The message of the story was the same, while the emotions behind the actions of the characters were enhanced in such a way that you could relate to them even though they lived thousands of years ago. I highly recommend listening to his reading when it becomes available by MP3, which you should be able to search for here. A combination of the power in his reading and the piece itself moved me to tears when I heard it.

A quick search of the word "midrash" here proved that midrash traditions are alive and well in not only the Jewish world, but the Christian and Mormon world as well.

As this was a women-themed conference, Robert emphasized the fact that scripture is male-dominated and that midrash is a good way for women to derive meaning from scripture. He issued a challenge for women to create more midrash from scripture specifically for women. After hearing Robert's midrash of the Prodigal Son story, I am hoping to hear a few more from him as well.

Johnny Lingo: A Man's Right to Determine a Woman's Worth

2009-08-16T20:42:00.001-07:00

Holly Welker's analysis of the long-time loved Mormon film Johnny Lingo was one of my favorite sessions at this year's Sunstone Symposium. The best part she discussed was this one (watch the clip if you have 5 minutes, it's worth it).

Before this part, Johnny Lingo has gone to one of the fathers on the island to strike a deal to purchase property (the father's daughter) in exchange for cows. The daughter, Mahana, is ugly and so therefore she is, of course, not worth much. The father asks for three cows, and Johnny counters by offering eight. The village thinks Johnny is crazy, but he pays eight cows for Mahana, and then whisks her away for months and months on a private island, during which time one can only imagine the type of fun two newlyweds would be having day and night on a private island (except for, err...Mahana is ugly. Do ugly brides still...uhhh...you know???)

After returning from the long honeymoon, the local store owner delivers a beautiful mirror Johnny has ordered for Mahana - a gift so fine that it is the best material item any woman on the island has ever owned. The store owner waits in the living room while Johnny goes into the back of the house and gives Mahana the gift. She tells Johnny it is beautiful and that she wishes she had a gift to give him. He replies, "Your gift to me can be seen by all who look at you."

She thanks the store owner, who is stunned by her incredible beauty (remember, she was ugly before), and then she goes to get water. The store owner, still stunned, asks Johnny how he did it (assuming that Johnny did something to make her turn from ugly to beautiful). Johnny says:

"Think what it must mean to a woman, her future husband meeting her father to discuss the lowest price for which she can be bought. Later, when the women
of the village get together, they boast of what their husbands paid for them. Three cows, or five. And how to you think she feels, the woman who has been bought for only two cows?"

The two problems become quite obvious:

1) Mahana's supposed gift to Johnny is not her personality, her companionship, her intelligence, her heart, her good works, her kindness, her sense of humor, or any other trait. It is her beauty. And it is not just her beauty, it is the other islander's perception of her as beautiful.

2) Johnny's implication that Mahana recognized her worth because of how much she was bought for, and became beautiful since a man considered her to be worth eight cows. She did not consider herself to have worth because she was a hard-worker, or a kind person, or generous, or intelligent, of responsible. She only recognized her worth because of the price she demanded as a consumer good on the market place.

I have become aware in the past year or so that my parents were quite offended by Ryan not obtaining their permission before marrying me, and I have continuously defended him (since I am the one that told him I would be deeply, horribly, unforgivably offended if he asked my father permission for me to marry him, since I saw myself as a grown woman quite capable of making an independent decision of determining who I would spend my life with). After listening to Holly's analysis of Johnny Lingo, any slight tremor of doubt I had felt that I made the wrong decision in not obtaining my father's marital permission disappeared.

I suppose the moral of the story of Johnny Lingo is supposed to be somewhat metaphorical for Christ's atonement for mankind (i.e. the idea that our perception of self-worth should be enhanced by knowing that God would incarnate and then die for us). But really, is the best way to depict this concept of self-worth by showing a woman who cannot see herself as worth anything until she is purchased at a high price by a man?

I wonder if people would have been more outwardly offended by this movie if it was framed around the story line of a rich Southern cot ten-farmer going downtown and purchasing a slave for twice his suggested retail value; in order to instill a sense of self-worth in the slave?

Holly concluded, in my opinion accurately, that Johnny Lingo is about male identify and power, not female worth.

Alpha-Males & Feminists

2009-08-16T20:16:00.000-07:00

I spent to fantastic days at the 2009 Sunstone Symposium in SLC. Three of my four favorite classes focused on women's rights/feminist issues (more about those later). Then, to top it off, on the way home this morning I stumbled across an article in Women's Health that addressed a lot of issues related to women in the workplace that I've been considering lately. Mostly related to a surprisingly large proportion of the women my age that I work with expressing that they are planning on dropping their career completely when they have kids. While I have the utmost respect for women who choose do to this because they prefer it, the prevalence amongst my peers of desiring to leave their career completely in the dust surprises me for several reasons:

1) We were raised in the 80s.
2) Our career choice is one of the most demanding in the accounting industry, and if I planned to drop it by the time I was 30, my motivation to continue in such a demanding field would be zilch.
3) These are women that have chosen to live in one of the most expensive communities west of the Mississippi and it seems unreasonable that they would expect to be fully supported on one person's income and keep the lifestyle they have as well paid childless person.

The Women's Health article address the number of educated, financially secure men and women and discusses the unique time this is in the US since the layoffs that have caused high unemployment rates have disproportionately effected men, making it increasingly difficult for a woman to find a partner who is as educated and financially secure as she is. Women now earn a greater share of high school, associates bachelor's master's and doctoral degrees.

Addressing the superior mental health and development of children who are raised with a father who is just as active in family life as the mother, points out that men today are generally more comfortable being a part of an egalitarian relationship and that the question men asked each other commonly only a few decades ago - "Will you let your wife work" - is more or less extinct (thank god). Women's expectations in a partnership are expanding beyond material provisions to include personality variables such as reliability, generosity, social status and kindness. Women with their own earning power have the freedom to choose husbands they actually get along with on a long-term basis and have the freedom to leave unfulfilled relationships.

Quoting Mary Whelan, author of Marry Smart: Intelligent Women's Guide to True Love, "For the vast majority of families in the US during the early to mid-20th century, the male-breadwinner model might have just been a media-invented ideal. There were only one or two years in the 1950s when the breadwinner-homemaker model described more than 50 percent of American families; otherwise, this has never been the dominant family pattern."

Alan Jackson

2009-08-08T00:12:00.000-07:00

I went to my favorite concert to date last night - we saw Alan Jackson at the OC Fair (yes, we - Ryan went with me, believe it or not). Stagecoach in Palm Springs last April was the most fun, but Alan Jackson is my all time favorite singer so I have to say the music was the best.

Embedding is disabled on this video but here is the link to my favorite Alan Jackson song.

Ryan actually suprised me with the tickets several months ago. He has a habit of doing this because the only other country music concert he's gone with me to is Tim McGraw, and he suprised me with those tickets a couple of months after we got married when I was hating Orange County and thought California was a pretty miserable place to live - it worked, because after he bought me the tickets I cheered up significantly for several months. :-)

Similar to Stagecoach, there was a lot of cowboy eye candy at the concert. I hold strong to my belief that the best looking men in this world are country music fans!

Weeds

2009-08-07T23:59:00.000-07:00

We heard season 4 of Weeds started to go downhill because it got less funny, and more dark/serious. Maybe we are dark/serious people, because season 4 is my favorite so far. Can't wait to see what happens.

Update

2009-08-01T20:05:00.000-07:00

I've fallen out of my blogging habit, so here's a quick update....

NIKKI did fine at the kennel. She resisted being taken from me, but seemed happy when Ryan picked her up and didn't act depressed or mad (my parent's dogs have been known to sulk for a few hours after getting home from the kennel). She did sleep a lot when Ryan picked her up, which makes me think she didn't sleep much while there.

CATALINA was filled with the type of family drama I suspect is fairly normal - sibling growing up to be adults, bringing significant others into the picture, and every one trying to figure out where the power/control/attention roles of childhood fit into a grown up family. We had tons of fun though, just like every other year - kayaking, sailing, sunbathing, reading, cooking, hiking, and getting ice cream at Big Olaf's. This is the fifth time I have gone on Ryan's family's annual Catalina trip, wow time flies.

UTAH was grand, and as always, I felt a little twinge of homesickness when I got there. I don't think it is homesickness for Utah - it's part wanting to live in a smaller, less expensive, more-free-time-providing environment, and part wishing I could be 17 forever and never grow up. *Sigh* I had a great time with my family, though, and spent three days in Brian Head with my mom's extended family (there are A LOT of them). Brian Head was GORGEOUS and I would really like to go back soon.

SISTERS came home with me for a few days. We spent a day at the beach, then I had to go back while they spent some more time shopping and sun bathing. It was fun having them here and I was sad to see them go home!

DRYER broke right before leaving for Catalina, and 2.5 weeks of clothes - but more than normal because we had been on vacation and then had guests - were spilling all over my house. I got the # for the repair guy on Monday but didn't call him all week because I was so busy at work, so I spent 8 hour at my mother-in-law's house today doing 6 loads of laundry. I can honestly say that I have never, ever done 6 loads of laundry in one day before. I had a moment of realization after about load 4, at which point I was sick of laundry and wanted to quit, that there are probably families who do 4-6 loads of laundry at one time on a regular basis. I am adding this to my list of reasons I do not ever want to be a full-time stay-at-home mom. I can earn much more per hour than the value of doing laundry and, should 4 loads of laundry at once ever become the "norm" in our lives, I have every intention of hiring it out!

What I'm Listening to Today...

2009-07-15T20:43:00.000-07:00

Il Divo

A slightly more mature version of a boy band? Yes....but I'm in love with their music anyway!

Women

2009-07-05T09:52:00.001-07:00

I'm reading a book called "The Women's Room" that was written by Marilyn French and published in 1977. It's essentially the story of the modern american feminist movement told from the perspective of every-day, run-of-the-mill, suburban american housewives. It's a fascinating look into a world that I, the same time, intimately recognize (I see it still in the lives of many women slightly older than me still, and sense that it still exists in a more covert way even today) and completely foreign (I have never experienced first hand the type of discrimination and lack of opportunity described in the story).

The more I read, the more my deep respect grows for women that came before me only 20 or 30 years, and pain-stakingly paved the way for me to have choice and opportunity in my own life. Rights and opportunities that I take for granted and forget to appreciate were certainly not so common only a few decades ago.

Home

2009-06-23T09:43:00.000-07:00

Ryan has a very strong sense of "home" geographically in Orange County. It's hard for me to understand because I don't feel connected to any one place. I grew up in North Carolina, Washington state, and Utah, and now I live in California. I've lived in 16 different houses/apartments in my life (9 before graduating high school, 7 since), so I learned early-on not to become too attached to "places".

But I am visiting some friends in the Tri-Cities, WA area where I did actually live for 10 years (2 different cities) before high school and 1 year after. Being here made me realize that if there is any one "place" I feel the most at home at, it is definitely here.

Home will always be where my family is, but, for example, if my family moved away from Utah (where I graduated high school), I would probably never go back. California is exactly the same, I feel connected to the people but definitely not the place itself. If every one I know moved away from the Tri-Cities, though, I would still want to bring my kids here to see it someday because the place itself is special to me.

Here is what I love about the Tri-Cities:
1) The Columbia river. I've already been down there a couple of times and it's fun to see so many people out boating, fishing, playing frisbee, letting dogs swim, kayaking, listening to live bands, BBQing, etc.

2) It stays light until 10 pm in the summer. Fantastic. It gets light at 5 am in the summer. The days are so fabulously long.

3) Most people drive older non-luxury cars. There are a lot of old pick-ups around here, and I think old pick-ups are a sign that good people live in a town.

4) Most people do not wear any types of designer clothing. In fact, if you want to buy designer labels, you pretty much have to drive a long ways away to find them.

5) People drive slow. It makes me feel like life is not passing so quickly.

6) There is a lot of open space. And by a lot, I mean A LOT. There are a lot of soccer and football fields, parks, horse pastures, and just plain space. I really missed that in Utah and California.

7) A lot of the stores and parks and schools I grew up around are still here and still look the exact same.

8) Most people don't work until 7 or 8 and then spend an hour commuting home. In fact, I think most people here think that lifestyle is crazy and doesn't make any sense. No one I know here commutes longer than 20 minutes, either. Therefore, "rush hour" lasts no longer than 20 minutes.

Jeans

2009-06-23T09:38:00.000-07:00

I sometimes buy clothes at stores without trying them on, if it is a store I shop at regularly and know my size. I really hate trying things on so I'd rather have to take something back every once in a while.

I did this at Target a couple of weeks ago and bought a pair of jean capris. Without realizing it, I later found out they were "mid-rise" instead of the "low-rise" I usually buy. I was disappointed because they are really cute. So, since I had gotten them on a good sale, I decided just to roll with it, meaning for the first time I can remember I'm wearing pants that come up almost to my belly button instead of just my hips.

Must look very dorky, you may be thinking. But, I have discovered through this shopping mistake that mid-rise pants are SO COMFORTABLE. SO SO comfortable. I'm not readjusting my shirt constantly. It's great. I highly recommend trying a pair.

What I'm Listening To Today....

2009-06-20T16:36:00.000-07:00

I'm slow but I finally started using Pandora. I tell it what songs I like and it goes out and finds other music I will probably like as well.

Last week it found me The Greencards, a great country band out of Austin TX that I never hear on the radio but absolutely love. I got their 2007 CD but apparently they have a newer one that came out last April. The old one (Viridian) is great.

Ch'i, health and addictions....

2009-06-20T08:33:00.000-07:00

I started seeing a more-holistic doctor about 10 months ago for three main problems that my regular physician was willing to treat only through prescription drugs (not something I was interested in). The first problem was despite getting enough sleep and considering myself a generally healthy person, I was constantly dragging and felt lethargic (I had no illness or anemia causing this.) The second was that I hadn't had a period (and therefore no regular female cycle....) for about 4 years. The third was that I am at risk for arthritis and already having some joint problems and want to prevent that problem as much as I can.

They introduced me to the idea of energy flow, which now fascinates me - I'd love to learn more about it. The basic idea is that our bodies are made of matter (what you can touch and see, and what Western medicine recognizes) and energy (can't be seen or touched, generally not treated by Western medicine methods). Matter and energy work together to make you and me alive.

This is really elementary and I'm probably not saying it right, but the idea behind acupuncture is that our bodies have 12 paths along which energy travels, called meridians, and each has a different "life function" associated with it. The meridians connect all parts of our body and are the paths by which positive and negative energy, and communication, flow.

Spiritually, I really connect with this idea. Thanks to the popularity of yoga and similar practices in the US, a lot of people are familiar with the word Ch'i (closely related to other words we throw around like yin and yang, even though I never really knew what those words meant before). Ch'i is the common energy that we share with each other, with the universe, and from a spiritual perspective, Ch'i is the energy that is God, i.e. Ch'i = God. It is energy that can't be created or destroyed (i.e. it is eternal), Ch'i is the energy that forms everything and holds it together (i.e. it is the Creator), and the force that not only gives, but actually is, life itself.

I really believe that our physical bodies and spiritual entities effect each other, so as I've learned about this it naturally makes sense to me.

So, the 12 meridians all work together, think of it like a circle (eternal). If 1 meridian is blocked and energy isn't flowing, it doesn't just block that one communication/energy pathway, it blocks the whole circle. So having a problem in one area of the body can potentially cause problems in other areas that, at first glance, may seem totally unrelated. Most of the connections my doctor has made about certain aspects of my health and the symptoms I have been experiencing would have never occurred to me, but the more studying I do on my own, the more it starts to make sense.

The three main things this doctor (actually it's a husband/wife team so I should pluralize it...) has done for me, treatments I guess I could say, are:

1) teaching me about better nutrition and some of the ways certain foods have a negative effect on my body, causing reactions and blocking energy flow;

2) regular acupuncture;

3) natural supplements for "matter" substances that my body needs but has become deficient in for one reason or another (I could write another big long post just about that...).

Expanding on #1, for the past 10 months I've been working hard to significantly reduce the amount of dairy and gluten I consume, as well as just eating a lot more whole, natural, organic foods. I used to eat dairy every day. Once I stopped and got it out of my body, I started realizing there are immediate negative side effects to eating dairy. Sour cream and ice cream are the worst, after nixing dairy I've indulged a couple times and had these and actually gotten sick. Other things just make me feel bloated and lethargic.

Ok, getting to the point of this: One of the things I've known I need to work on for 10 months is cutting back on caffeine. I decided to focus on the dairy and gluten first because I really didn't want to give up my caffeine. By the time I got the dairy and gluten thing down, it was Christmas, and I so love my hot (usually caffeinated) drinks in the winter, I couldn't bear the thought of giving it up. Then it was busy season. I have admitted this for the past two years, and will completely own up to this fact: From about February to May, I am physically dependent on caffeine. I'm not exaggerating, I'm too embarrassed to admit how much I consume during that time but let's just say there's been a few days where I've done the math and actually been scared about long term effects on my health.

I have at various times over the past 10 months tried to gradually "reduce" my intake to wean myself. But, I have one of those personalities that tends to be "all or nothing" and weaning myself from things doesn't really work. I always ended up back to my venti sized habit, downing more diet cokes during the day than I need to (and I don't even want to be drinking soda!) and sometimes on those 16 hour days, I'd find myself caffeinating at dinner time so I could stay at the office until 10 or 11 and keep busting work out.

Quick side note: I was raised not ever drinking caffeine, not even a coke, so I know it is possible to have plenty of energy without caffeine because I did it for about 22 years.

So last Sunday morning, I enjoyed one last Luxurious Smooth Rich Slightly-bitter Foamy Soothing Hot Tasty Cup (uh...large mug...) of Comfort and then called it quits.

I'm happy to say on day 6 of my journey, I woke up naturally at 7 am with no withdrawal symptoms (yes, I have been having them). I fell off the band-wagon on Wednesday and ordered a diet coke, and the withdrawal stuff I'd been going through subsided after the first glass...I got weak and let the server re-fill it two more times.... which made the withdrawal symptoms return full-force on Thursday. But today? No more aching head, no more "fuzzy" brain feeling, no more "I'm dying for caffeine" feeling.

I'm very proud of myself. Hello, my name is Elise, and I've been de-caffeinated for 36 hours. :-)

I know there are lots of de-caf versions of everything under the sun, which I may try during the winter when it's chilly in the morning. And I'm discovering there is a plethora of herbal, non-caffinated teas that are great right before bed.

I am not going to completely nix caffeine for the rest of my life, but I'm going to be very careful about only enjoying it occasionally and not "needing" it to function. Even during busy season. I intuitively know that natural energy will make me much happier and much healthier.

What I'm Listening To Today....

2009-06-14T15:59:00.000-07:00

We went to a concert last night at a church in San Clemente last night and heard two local bands - one southern blues-inspired band called the Pawnshop Kings that I really liked, it was essentially two brothers and two guitars and the style was very much country, so it was right up my alley.

The second guy was named Phil Wickham. Ryan liked him better because he was incredible on the guitar. His music was good but I think he needs to switch to decaf - he had more energy than anyone I have ever met, including my mother-in-law, which is saying a lot. When he was talking in between songs I could hardly keep up with what he was saying.

Drill Baby, Drill

2009-06-07T21:21:00.001-07:00

Tar on the ocean floor and washed up on the beach = Disgusting

We had to use paint thinner to get the tar off our feet after playing in the ocean in Ventura.

freedom

2009-06-06T19:19:00.001-07:00

Freedom, though it must be cherished, can never stand alone. Individual freedom from oppression has no meaning unless it's linked to responsibility for our actions...

-Jurriaan Kamp

For the past 50 years, economic policy has been poisoned by the cynical premise that people are innately selfish and materialistic...a growing body of experimental work by behavioral economists proves altruism not only exists but is one of our primary motivators.

-Getting to the Heart of Money by Jeremy Mercer

These are two concepts from the current edition of Ode Magazine that ring particularly true to me. Despite the problems the recession creates in my life, I've also found myself less susceptible to the culture of greed that I generally feel surrounded by.

baking

2009-05-30T00:26:00.001-07:00

I hate baking officially. I'm horrible at it.

I've made two batches of cookies in the past year that have turned out horrible**. Now it is 12:30 am and I just finished making these incredible blueberry almond scones for Ryan to take with him when he goes to help some of our friends move tomorrow morning.....I started trying to figure out why, after 35 minutes in the oven, they weren't baking.....the baking powder would have helped.

I prepare food much better when it doesn't require measurements or recipes. I like throwing veges & spices & meat & grains together by taste testing....I give up on baking.

:-)

**Note: this is a good reason to just eat the dough instead of trying to bake it

Movie Weather Update

2009-05-29T23:47:00.000-07:00

We watched Slumdog Millionaire tonight. I really liked it, but the movie fell victim to the extremely high ratings it received from every one I know. It was "talked up" so much that I suppose I expected more. It was a cute story though and it was cool that it gave a little glimpse into the poverty in India.

I think my slight disappointment with the movie was that several people told me the reason they liked it was because it was so "different" from the "typical" Hollywood movie. It was a different setting, but it was still the typical underdog-gets-the-girl story that people love to hear over and over again.

Movie Weather

2009-05-29T15:47:00.000-07:00

It has been rainy, cold and grey around here for the past couple of days, which made yesterday the perfect evening to make popcorn and veg out on the couch watching a movie. We ended up watching two, and since we're kind of nerdy, they were both documentaries. Both were excellent.

Friend of God was about christian fundamentalists and included some really amusing interviews with Ted Haggard pre-meth-gay-sex-scandal. I actually thought this film was better done and more interesting than Religulous (sorry Bill Maher) even though it was probably lower budget and not as widely marketed. This film caused me to feel rather terrified of mid-Westerners and more or less squandered any minor desires I have ever had to live in Texas (for the record, any such desires were driven by idealistic thoughts that Texas is filled with tanned, muscular cowboys and not by dreams of crazy fanatics).

Orgasmic Birth was about just that, and home/natural birthing in general. This movie makes a great companion to Ricki Lake's The Business of Being Born, which focuses on all the negative aspects of hospital deliveries. Orgasmic Birth touches on that a little, but focuses more on the beauty of natural home (and birthing center) birthing experiences. The real-life couples they show in the film are so strong and connected. This film is really a beautiful celebration of motherhood and portrays the women as capable, strong, extraordinary mothers with the confidence and courage to make the socially taboo personal birthing experiences in the face of a culture that promotes anesthetized hospital expereinces.

Books on CD

2009-05-28T19:31:00.000-07:00

I've recently decided to use my exceedingly long and tiresome commute to listen to books on CD and I'm quite enjoying it. Driving to Encinitas and back today wasn't nearly as frustrating while listening to a good book. I just started Jimmy Carter's "Our Endangered Values" - got through the first 2 discs today - and it's one of the best books I've read (or listened to) so far this year.

The Recession

2009-05-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this question: How Do Things Look From Your Side of the Economy? It seems like we, along with most of our peers, do not appear to be effected much by the recession, at least from an external viewpoint. The only tangible decision Ryan and I have made, that others can observe, is not to go on an international trip we had been hoping to take this fall. Our day-to-day struggle with the economy is definitely internal in the sense that most people couldn't observe it and would perhaps think that the recession is not effecting us at all.

The three ways in which the recession has impacted us the most are:

1) WORK
I had not intended on staying in public accounting much longer than 4-5 years. I'll start year 5 soon, and in a better economy, I would definitely be looking for a new job. I'm exhausted at work. I work too much and even when I'm not working I'm thinking about how I should be working. This is how I am about 60-70% of the year. It feels like the only way to keep progressing and not get laid off (which seems to happen every couple of months these days) is to work evenings and weekends and meet impossible deadlines. There are still other jobs out there I could take, but I've survived enough layoffs at this point that my job feels pretty stable, and I wouldn't have the seniority or earned security at a new job.

2) HOME
Ryan and I subscribed to the philosophy we were raised with that renting is a waste of money and if you are going to live somewhere longer than a few years and can afford it, then buy a place. So we did, under the assuming plan that we would live here for 4-5 years until we were ready to start a family, and then sell it and move back to Salt Lake where we could affordably cut back on work enough to have a balanced family life. Seeing as the identical unit right across the street from us sold a month ago for $181,000 less than what we paid for our's, it is unlikely that we will be moving to a more affordable location anytime soon. This also plays a role in item #1, since I (thankfully) get paid relatively well for being enslaved to my job but cannot very easily do something I like more, because it would pay less and require us to move to a more affordable location. It also brings me to #3....

3) FAMILY
We'd like bring home another boxer puppy to keep Nikki company, but we just can't afford the extra dog food.

I'm kidding.

We'd like to have a baby, but seeing as we can't leave behind the mortgage that keeps us both out of the home 50+ hours a week; decent infant day care is $1200-$1400 a month; a normal delivery will cost at $5,000 out of pocket bare minimum and our current health insurance premium of $100/month will go up to $500/month for an HMO (which I don't want) and $800/month for a PPO; it just isn't reasonable. Even with the cheap daycare and healthcare, we need to increase our cash flow $20K per year, which means at least $30K per year gross. Staying in my exhausting job that at least gives me very good raises year-to-year, we can probably manage it in 3 more years or so. I do realize we could cut some of our day-to-day extravagances - we are not the most frugal people on the planet - and come up with a decent chunk of change, but not $20K. And I definitely don't feel right about having a baby when I'm lucky to be home by 7:30 most weeknights and more-likely-than-not cranky from putting out fires at work all day.

Under the pre-recession plan of selling in CA and buying in UT, I'd be job-shopping in Salt Lake right now, planning a move, and trying for a baby. So from my side of the economy, the recession looks like staying in OC, keeping the job I currently have, and holding of a while longer on starting a family.

In summary, from my side of the economy, the recession doesn't look that bad. I still have a home that I love and I'm not at risk of losing it, I still have a good-paying job, and I still have a husband and dog that center my universe. Things are different because of the recession, but things are still pretty damn good.

The Reader

2009-05-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

Ryan & I watched The Reader with Kate Winslet this week. Ryan liked it but thought it a bit slow. I loved it. The story was fantastic and the acting was the type of stuff where you forget you are watching actors and feel like you are part of the story.

The quick plot is a woman in her thirties has an affair with a very young man, Micahel, shortly after WWII in Germany. After a few weeks she disappears. He is heartbroken - she was his first love - but eventually moves on. Later, while he is in law school, he is selected to be among the best students of his class, who are given an opportunity to observe a trial against six S.S. women being tried in the deaths of over 300 Jewish women. Michael puts together some pieces of the story that are important to the case, but in the end decides to stay quiet about them, not wanting his ex-lover to know he is observing the case. Over the next couple of decades, the two communicate through letters while she is in prison.

Although the story is somewhat related to WWII, it's really not about that in any way. To me, the story was about...

*the way one person's life can radically effect another person's life, and even perhaps many other lives, even without intention;

*the powerful feelings of guilt and shame, how complex both can be, and which feeling is more powerful;

*the grey area between who is responsible for wrong - the leaders who are organizing and thereby propagate the wrong actions, or those who physically perform the wrong actions? What about those who sit back and don't do anything at all?

After finishing the movie, I found myself thinking about a few people who have, likely without even knowing, had profound impact on my own life, in a simultaneous mixture of good and bad ways.

The Reader is a deep and intimate exploration of the humanity of our relationships and the complex unfairness of life.

The Book

2009-05-15T21:57:00.000-07:00

My grandfather died nine months ago. Countless hours later, after having the privilege of acquiring a box of letters written by him to my grandmother during WWII, I have finished my project on his time in the war!

I have learned so much about WWII and especially the Battle of the Bulge, which he fought in with the 289th infantry of the 75th division. He was only a teenager when he left Utah (he had never been anywhere outside of the state before then), his new bride and the baby she was carrying, and saw thing in battle that he would die 65 years later having never discussed or described to anyone. I will always treasure the way I got to know my grandfather through the letters he wrote when he was younger than me. It has truly been an incredible experience.

Here's a sneak peek of the book I made - I wanted to put everything in electronic form so multiple people could have copies:

younger

2009-05-10T19:03:00.000-07:00

I just finished another good book called "younger" by Pamela Redmond Satran. It's about a middle-aged woman whose husband just left her for a younger woman. She looks pretty young for her age and is able to pull of being 30 herself, starting a new career and a relationship with a 25 year old guy and generally re-establishing her youth.

The author says in an interview at the end of the book that she intended for the book to tell the story of the war between younger and older woman. When asked to explain that, she says:

"I believe all women are under a tremendous amount of pressure, imposed by time and age, to get all the pistons of their lives - relationships, babies, home,
career - firing efficiently. Younger women seem to have a need to believe that it's going to be different for them than it was for the generation before them; that they'll have an easier time balancng work and motherhood, for instance, and that their own marriages will stay as hot as thier bodies. And older women, of course, have some need to see them fail, to prove that they really couldn't have done it any better no matter how hard they might have tried. And of course both groups are raging against the same truth: That most women's lives demand considerably more compromise than men's lives do."

And THAT is why 20-something year old women have a quarterlife crisis!

Advertising

2009-05-09T19:34:00.000-07:00

So you know how when you are in gmail or on facebook you get "personalized" ads - i.e. they put advertisements up that somehow are related to the websites you've been looking at, the things you've typed in your emails, and/or the things you've searched for through google or yahoo?

Well all my advertisements are always for baby clothes, baby toys, baby books, save-your-cord-blood sites, private elementary schools, maternity clotes, etc etc etc.

Perhaps this is related to how much time I spend surfing the internet for cribs and kid books and baby toys and birthing centers and my favroite preconception.com website, or perhaps it is just the universe trying to send me a message that I should have a baby. Ryan would definitely say it is for the first reason. I would definitely say it is for the second. :-)

blessed unrest

2009-05-09T13:17:00.000-07:00

My favorite non-fiction from the past month, which I am still working on, is called Blessed Unrest by Paul Hawken. I'm going to cheat and give you the summary from the book jacket, which really does a better job explaining this book's purpose than I could: "Blessed Unrest is the story of what is going right in this world, an account of how people use imagination, conviction, and resilience to perform daily miracles of redifining our relationship to the environment and to one another...Across the planet, groups ranging from ad hoc neighborhood associations to well-funded international organizations are confronting issues like the destruction of the environment, the abuses of free-market fundamentalism, social justice, and the loss of indigenous cultures. They share no orthodoxy or unifying ideology; they follow no signle charasmatic leader, the remain supple enough to coalesce easily into larger networks to acheive their goals. While they are mostly unrecognized by policiticans and the media, they are bringing about what may one day be judged the single most profound transformation of human society.

The book tells the stories of these people.

Although I benefit greatly from and sees the value in caplitalism, at the same time I tend to feel uncomfortable with the idea of living in an environment propelled by the desire for wealth and unlimited consumption (which is really what I feel the foundational values of American capitalism are, as it is currently practiced). I'm very uneducated in policitics and economics though so I can never quite put the conflicitng feelings I have about free-market capitalism into words in any type of intelligent way. As I read this book, I keep finding myself thinking "Yes, that's it, that's why I have a problem with this structure!" It's very encouraging and helps me understand my own experiences and opinions. Here is an example from the first part of the book:

"If there is a pervasive criticism of global capitalism that is shared by all actors in the movement, it is this observation: goods seem to have become more important, and are treated better, than people. What would a world look lik if that emphasis were reversed? This book explores a movement cultivating innovative, sometimes brilliant, social technologies that would accomplish just that reversal by returning people to the heart of the world adn of life. It comprises design as much as action, imagination as much as organization. It also entails a courageous defense of human rights. It stresses innovation with a focus on everyday life: the demands and pleasures of learning, taking care of others, preparing food, raising children, taking journeys, and doing meaningful work. These timeless ways of being human are threatened by global forces that do not consider people's deepest longings."

And just because I love this book so much, here is another great part:

"Life tends to optimize rather than maximize. Maximization is another word for addiction. Humans exhibit addictive tendencies when trying to maximize such values as wealth, pleasure, security, and power. Too much of a good thing is not a good thing. Critics of the movement complain that it is against free markets, expanding wealth, and security, which is not true. What is missing in that critique is a discussion of how we gauge sufficiency. A sense of balance - of knowing wht is too much wealth, what is too much power, what constitutes license instead of freedom - is not easy to achieve, but it raises crucial questions. In Lyricial and Critical Essays, Camus wrote of how beauty has been exiled in Western culture and replaced by the cult of reason that constantly seeks to overcome limits. "But limits nonetheless exist and we know it. In our wildest madness we dream of an equilibrium we have lost, and which in our simplicity we think we shall discover once again when our erros cease - an infantile presumption, which justifies the fact that childish peoples, inheriting our madness, are managing our history today...We turn our back on nature, we are ashamed of beauty. Our miserable tradgedies have the smell of an office, and thier blood is the color of dirty ink."

the divorce party

2009-05-09T13:08:00.001-07:00

I read several books over the past few weeks while I have been traveling. Here is a little review of my favorite fiction:

The Divorce Party is actually two related stories told by two different women. The first story is Maggie's - she is a young newly-engaged woman who has just finished school and is working on opening a restaurant with her fiance. She has a slight commitment-phobia but is biting the bullet and getting married anyway. The second story is Gwyn's - a middle age woman who has spent her life taking care of her family, married to an incredibly wealthy man and living in Montauk. They are ending their marriage after 35 years and throwing a trendy "divorce party" to celebrate the time they spent together and try to maintain healthy "single" relationships with thier mutual friends.

Maggie's fiance is taking her home to meet his father and mother - his mother happens to be Gwyn - on the weekend of the divorce party. The contrasting perspectives of these two women on the big weekend are fascinating and I loved the moral of the story, which was essentially that things will never work out how you think they will in life, but that's no reason to stop hoping and trying for love and happiness and peace.

Favorite quote from this book, from Gwyn's perspective:

"She is just letting herself know what she knows, like a mantra she's been repeating since all of Thomas's (soon-to be ex) lies started: More than one thing is never true. People love to say the opposite, love to talk about inner conflict, nuances, levels of complication. But if this last year has taught her anything, it has taught her that people are clearer on what they want than they admit to themselves. They want something, or they don't. They decide to keep working at a relationship or they give up. They love someone or they love someone else."

A wise observation IMO.

Vacation......Day 4

2009-05-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

This is super late, but here is day 4:

After 3 nights in a row of getting 8 full hours of sleep we felt like we could conquer the world. :-)

We started by taking a 5 mile hike to Lake Marie:
One side of the lake was like a desert

The other side, where a stream of water trickled down the hillside, was more like a forest.

Next we rented bikes for the afternoon in Yountsville Riding through the country

Yay Napa Valley Bike Tours - a very fun afternoon!

Vacation....Day 1

2009-04-23T19:50:00.000-07:00

DAY 1 - Fri 4/17

Met Ryan at his grandma's beach house in Ventura. We spent the evening talking to grandma about all the great books and magazines she's finished while in bed recovering from surgery, how great it is to have an administration in the white house that cares about environmental issues and good foreign relations, the benefits of strong social programs, and then listened to funny stories about Ryan's mom when she was a little girl.

Morning Birds on Solimar Beach

More Inspiring Words

2009-04-07T12:08:00.000-07:00

I ordered an inspirational book on tape about a week ago, rather on a whim, anticipating a long communte to and from a client this week. Little did I know how applicable the topic would end up being for me this week. While I was listening this morning, I heard another quote that I really liked:

""Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal;
it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it."

--Eliza Tabor"

Quote

2009-04-04T20:33:00.000-07:00

I have been having one of those contemplative, trying-to-figure-life-out days, and have been doing a lot of reading. I came across this quote that I really liked. It struck me and then I had to go back and read it a couple of times before I really started to catch the full meaning:

"Be certain that your expressions of regret about your inability to rest in God do not have a tinge of self-satisfaction, even self-exhalation to them, that your complaints about your anxieties are not merely a manifestation of your dependence on them. There is nothing more difficult than to outgrow the anxieties that have become useful to us, whether as explanations for a life that never quite finds its true force or direction, or as fuel for ambition, or as a kind of reflexive secular religion that, paradoxically, unites us with others in a shared sense of complete isolation: you feel at home in the world only by never feeling at home in the world."

-Christian Wiman

What I'm Listening To Today....

2009-03-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

I think Randy Travis was one of my very first celebrity crushes, I vaguely remember seeing him in a movie on TV when I was 6 or 7, it was love at first sight. :-) Granted he was 20 years younger then.....anyhow, here is one of his classics, recently resurrected by Carrie Underwood. This isn't my favorite performance, but it's the best I could find on YouTube.

2009-03-13T23:12:00.001-07:00

Lost Generation

2009-03-13T20:55:00.000-07:00

This is really cool. But only if you watch the entire thing. You'll think it's depressing when you start watching it, but if you watch it all the way to the end, it is creative, rather intelligent, and quite inspiring.

Age

2009-03-02T19:40:00.000-08:00

Another post about age.

I saw a group of five boys tonight at Chipotle wearing Medix suits. I had seen an ambulance outside but didn't even consider that they may be driving it, since they were children.

Thoughts that ran through my mind, in sequential order:

"Why are they dressed up for Halloween in March?"

Then I noticed they weren't cute, like most little kids dressed for Halloween are.

"I remember when I was a young teenager and was attracted to young teenage boys, yet surely I could never have been attracted to this age of male species in all its awkwardness."

Oh. They are real Medix people, apparently.

"I wonder if these boys are in some type of high school training medical program?"

No teacher...

"Wait, they aren't with any supervisor and they are getting in the ambulance alone."

The realization:

"OMG....so if I have a medical emergency and call 9-1-1, TWELVE YEAR OLD BOYS are going to come to my rescue?"

Perspective.

"Is it possible that since I still feel like my 19 year old self, actual 19-year-olds still appear 7 years younger than me, i.e. 12?"

*Sigh*

True Change

2009-01-28T13:51:00.001-08:00

A black president AND a black man singing decent country music?

The world really IS changing!

Pacific Northwest: Impossible

2009-01-24T23:19:00.000-08:00

Before I was about 17 years old, Seattle was the biggest city I had ever been to, and I was absoluetly enchanted by it. I wanted to work on one of the highest stories of a tall down-town building.

Then I got a little older, early college-age, and I realized the constant cloudiness and rain. Around the same time my family went on a trip to the coast that routed us for a couple of nights through Portland, and I transferred my love affair with Seattle to Portland. I loved the trains, the hills, and the rivers flowing through the downtown area.

Now, I have been enduring three weeks of on-and-off rain in CA, and I have had an epiphany: I would never make it in Seatlle or Portland. The weather is causing a type of joint achiness I can't quite put into words. It's like this: any time I stop moving my elbows and knees especially, I feel a dull ache that makes me very restless and also very glad that I live somewhere that rarely has this type of weather. My hips, wrists, and fingers are also mildly affected.

Brave & Vulnerable

2009-01-08T07:55:00.001-08:00

"I have met brave women who are exploring the outer edge of human possibility, with no history to guide them, and with a courage to make themselves vulnerable that I find moving beyond words."

-Gloria Steinem

I'm blessed enough to have several such women in my life. :-)

What I'm Listening to Today....

2009-01-04T15:01:00.000-08:00

I have never liked Gretchen Wilson or Toby Keith. At all. I change the radio when they come on even if I've never heard the song because I'm generally hate their music and their personalities.

But.... I have picked up on one song by each recently that I quite enjoy:

(YouTube won't let me embed these, but they are on my playlist to the left)

Aren't You Glad We Aren't All California Girls
by Gretchen Wilson, which more or less makes fun of girls from CA and essentially is about how great it is that there are still girls out there who know how to eat fried chicken and dirty dance to Merle Haggard. This cracks me up because when I was at BYU, all the non-CA girls used to make fun of the CA girls constantly (whose parents paid for their nice new cars and $500/month apartments, which is expensive for Provo, and have never lifted a finger because daddy pays for everything....not always a fair stereotype, I know, but it is actually what was said!)

and

God Love Her
by Toby Keith, which is the story of a 17-year-old rebel preacher's daughter who runs away from home with her bad-boy boyfriend on the back of his motorcycle (her parents can't stand him). I love this one because, honestly, the majority of the women in this world - good or bad or anything in between - have had bad-boy boyfriend fantasies at least once. And every teenage girl in this world - good or bad or anything in between - wanted to run away home from home at least once. AND, if I could choose any age to live at eternally, it would most definitely be 17. I was smart enough to take care of myself and naive enough to still view the world through rose-colored glasses, and I still had the rest of forever in front of me, as far as I was concerned. 17 must be the age of absolute freedom since there are so many songs about that specific age - probably because you are old enough to have real fun but just under the age of legal responsibility. :-)

Secrets

2009-01-04T13:43:00.001-08:00

Reading each week's new secrets is one of the best part of my Sundays. Sometimes if I'm up really, really late on a Saturday night, I cheat and check the updates one day early.

Distractions

2009-01-04T09:54:00.001-08:00

The Plan:

9:00 - 9:30 am: Walk Nikki
9:30 - 10:00 am: Keep working out at home..weights or something
10:00 - 10:30 am: Get ready for church

The Execution:

9:00 - 9:30 am: Walked Nikki
9:30 - 10:00 am: Surfed around my google reader and facebook

January 3rd and my daily workout intentions are already taking second place to internet distractions. Dang it. :-)